I had a cat a decade or so ago. Her name was Kiki. She had a relationship with me that was very similar to my clients’ relationship with me.
I could say love and hate, but it would be a lie.
I could say need and resentment… that is the closest I can get to wording what was the essence.
My cat was a stray kitten when I adopted her. I already had another cat, a huge tomcat. But occasionally I invited the tiny and scrawny kitten to eat. She ran in and ran out several times. Took a bite and then ran. I guess to make sure that she wasn’t imprisoned.
And then, at some point she moved in with me.
At some point I took her to the vet to spay her… and she never forgave me for that. She hid in the basement for many days before hunger forced her to come upstairs.
In a way she was the ideal cat for me: she snubbed me during the day, and she warmed my bed during the night.
Until at age 13 she lost her sense of self.
I am writing you to teach you something. This is not just a nice story about a cat… So listen up.
I’ll talk with human words, words that will teach you something. Accurate about humans, may not be accurate about cats.
She used to pee and poop, and all was well. But at age 13 first she lost her control of her peeing… and peed in the bed.
Soon after that she considered her poop not hers… and ran from it… shrieking like a banshee.
She didn’t HAVE pooping, pooping chased her.
OK, back to humans: I found out yesterday that my clients have a deep resentment towards me.
What they resent is something I said about them. Mostly to them, occasionally to someone else.
What I said felt like an invalidation, an indictment of you. You are a liar, you are this, you are that.
Of course language is to blame, but I should know better. But I didn’t know it is taken as indictment.
OK, so what is happening under the hood?
Taking what anyone says, even what YOU say as indictment is not working, and whenever something is not working, there is something in the invisible that you either don’t know or you have forgotten.
You are your self. the owner of aspects of you. Your actions, your behavior, your attitude are your ’employees’.
So when due to language deficiency I call you a liar, I am not talking about your self. I am talking about your behavior. Your employee.
And as far as your behavior goes, I am not insulting you. And I am not putting a label on you. I am not indicting you. I am talking about something that is within your power to own or change.
It is yours. But it is not you.
You wouldn’t consider that you are your hand… No, you tell your hand what to do… it is an employee of yours. You are the owner. If you want your hand to do different things, you would tell them that, and that would be that.
But, probably because of sloppy language, you think that your behavior is you. That your attitude is you. You think that YOU need to change.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with anyone, and you are included. I, on the other hand, have a bone to pick with you about your behavior.
Your behavior doesn’t support what you are up to.
But if you feel that that makes YOU wrong, you are mistaken. You need to separate yourself from your behavior… and then you can do what you will… Change or not.
You’ll notice that you are not alone with this misunderstanding.
Parents argue and defend or punish their children… because they think that they are their children… there is no separation.
If your parents beat you, or mistreated you: that is the reason: they can’t tell that you are not them, that your behavior doesn’t make them a bad person.
They have never taken OWNERSHIP, guardianship of their children, just like you haven’t taken ownership, guardianship of your children, your attitude, your habits, your behavior, and your words… They are not you. You are the owner…
You have the power, even though you have maybe never known it.
So there is this… this is a big one.
The second thing is: whatever anyone says, including yourself, is always a snapshot.
Life is a series of snapshots.
You and your ‘team’, your brood, your company, your family, your business… a series of snapshot.
Your attitudes, your behaviors can be seen in the snapshots…
And therefore your future is not fixed by what today’s snapshot who show.
Here is an example, J’s. She spent two weeks with her mother and her vibration and her IQ dropped very low. She heard: I can never spend time with my mother, or I’ll lose my vibration and my IQ.
But over the holidays she managed to keep her vibration high and her IQ as well… because she set herself a context… a focal point, while when she was with her mother she didn’t…
So you see, your past is not a reliable predictor of your future, unless nothing changes in between.
Moreover, it is not over until it over. So your future is best presented as ‘yet’, even if nothing changed, it would be the same as what is consistent with the snapshot today.
If you have no skills in the snapshot taken right now, the words imply: yet. No skills yet.
Why is this NOT a lie? Not positive thinking?
Because at any moment you can decide to build skills. When you remember that you are the owner. That you are the boss of your aspects, the boss of what belongs to you.
If you don’t look at yourself and what belongs to you, you are a lot like my cat who was running from her own poop.
And truth be told you have been a lot like Kiki.
You resent me for telling you what I see in the snapshot. As if you had no power to change what you don’t like.
You forget that you are the one who makes SOMETHING change. You, yourself, don’t have to change. Because you yourself are OK… always have been.
You are your intrinsic you. You have opinions, you have ideas, you have behaviors, attitudes, wants and needs, urges, your ITCH. Even your intelligence is something you have and therefore you have power over it.
You just need to shift your view a little bit and look from the side, from a slightly elevated point. And then you’ll see from there that you are surrounded by your team.
And you’ll see that you have been pretending that you have no power, then the tail wags the dog…
Will you feel different when you change something, like your behavior or attitude? No. You’ll feel the same. You won’t change with your attitude, you’ll be the one changing your attitude.
For many of you this may be too complicated… but even then, try it on for size. Alternate between being yourself, feel yourself. Then go to the side and look from there.
You’ll see that you didn’t have to change, you are the same… and yet things around you, your ‘supportive cast’ have changed… because YOU changed them.
If you feel like I have slighted you
If you feel like I have slighted you and that has made you resentful. And if you would like to put our relationship on a new track, please contact me. I’ll do what I can to help you with that. Otherwise you can’t learn from me!
And if you are here to learn… then it’s a shame that you can’t.
So how do you contact me? Best sending me an email.
Depending on who you are, I’ll probably schedule a chat online with you. We can look at how I contributed to you becoming resentful… and clean it up.
If you don’t contact me, and I know who you are, then it means you are done with me… and don’t even pretend to want what I have for you. You’ll just waste your hopes on impossible.
So there you are. Contact me if you resent me, hate me, mad at me, feel cheated, slighted, hurt. I’ll help you get rid of that, so you can be OK again.
Even if that resentment has been festering there for years… You know who you are.
