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Boys… I used to want to be a boy.
They seem unperturbed. They laugh a lot.
Today I prefer to be a woman. But as a child I really KNEW something was missing, and for years I thought it was cut off…
I really love this picture. It tells me that boys have more fun.
I remember sitting on the potty waiting for my navel to burst. And I knew it was only a matter of time. I KNEW that I was mutilated below, and I was mutilated there. Although I didn’t know what was cut off, I knew that whatever it was I needed it.
I was 3-4 years old. My feet didn’t touch the ground yet.
I knew I wasn’t welcome, I knew that boys had more of everything. They were loved more. And knew it was permanent.
My mother loved my older brother. My father loved my younger brother. And in the middle I was used. Do this and do that. Or as a punching bag. Or as a pleasure giving thing.
It has taken all I got and more to climb out of that deep well of despair.
It took me 40 years to get up to the vibrational level of 170. I clawed myself up. I was literally unstoppable.
At 170, when I offered to volunteer in Landmark Education’s offices, I was often sent home, ‘You use up space, you don’t provide…‘ I was told, no yelled at.
I didn’t know what that meant at the time, but I knew it could not be good. ‘My case‘ as Landmark Education calls it was who walked in, not a human being.
The case of being unwanted, damaged, devastated, used, and spit out, mutilated, that case was offering to volunteer, not a person.
This is the issue that is coming up for serious ‘look in the face of the tiger‘ examination.
Here is the tiger story I have shared before… but here is is again:
Behavioral scientists were visiting this village in India. They wanted to find out how living next to the forest of the great white tigers effected the dreams of the children of the village.
The great white tiger, whenever it got hungry, visited the village and took a child.
This is what they found:
The little children, between three and 6, dreamed about hiding from the tiger.
- Children between age 6-10 dreamed about outwitting the tiger
- Children 10-14 dreamed about outrunning the tiger
- Children over 14 dreamed about facing the tiger.
As you see, as they matured they took a more and more courageous position.
Your case, your issue, your problems are your tigers.
As you see, from my story, by age 40 I reached the emotional age of a child of about 10.
I am now an adult in most areas of my life, yet, in some isolated areas I still behave like a child.
I have noticed that I often regress to the age of 10.
How do I notice it? I have developed, through observation, an early warning system. Here are the phases:
- I get pushy, then I get angry,
- then my chest has the clasp of the energy ‘No matter what I do…’
- and then the corners of my mouth turn down, as in saying ‘poor me…’
If I am aware enough (sometimes I am not!) I chuckle and say… ‘I am PERSONALLY offended!‘ That is sooo funny, that I have to let go of the anger, the pushing, the tightness, the whole issue.
What is on the other side of this phenomenon?
Simple: people are doing whatever they are doing. They are not doing what they are doing TO me, they are just doing the best they can to make it in life and to look good.
People barely notice you. They are ALWAYS in survival. (Just like you!) So taking personal offense to what they are doing is both childish and moronic.
This is the current area I am working on. When I am done, I’ll be able to serve better. Stop scaring people with my anger. I will be pushing less… of course it all depends also on their emotional age.
Raising your emotional age is the most important task in raising your vibration.
You can’t jump… you need to go through all the phases, the hiding, the outsmarting, the outrunning of your issues, to finally get to the place where you can face the tiger. The place where you act out of your own power. Heavenly…
I resist this. I do not feel like a man. Painful morass.