I have been puzzled by the experience from students’ huge emotional response to
- getting to the coaching calls
- answering my questions
- wondering if they did the right homework
When I asked them what the feeling was, ultimately the answer was: they were afraid to say the wrong thing. They were afraid of me.
It didn’t make sense to me. As a coach I want you to get on the call and have something that you are wrong or stupid about: that is what coaching is: if you are already great, what is the sense of getting coaching? Yeah, but…
Finally, last night, while reading my third Neal Stephenson book, I found an answer that is like an opening for me. I quote it, even though it might not make enough sense for you… if I can, I’ll explain, if I need to, I’ll remove stuff that makes it muddier… we shall see… so here goes the quote:
The “hero” of this quote is Daniel… The story happens around 1692… 300 years ago!
As he contrasted his fear of Mr. White (which was very much akin to the fear he had previously had of Jeffreys) (both men, Mr White and Jeffreys were men in power in government and ruled through fear and hate) with how he had once felt about this rock that was now in his pocket (a kidney stone that was now removed), a new hypothesis of cowardice came into his head. The Stone (the now removed kidney stone) had made him sad, reluctant to die, and anxious—but his fear of it had been as nothing compared to his fear of Jeffreys, and now of White. Yet those men had only spoken threatening words to him. Even when Hooke had reached up between his thighs with the scalpel (the surgery), Daniel had been gripped by a sort of animal fear, but nothing like the dread of Mr. White, which had kept him awake all last night.
The only difference he could think of was that Hooke (the surgeon) liked Daniel and White hated him. Could it be, then, that Daniel’s true cowardice lay in that he could not stand for people to think poorly of him?
That would be a strange shape for cowardice to take. But it tallied well with Daniel’s experiences to date. It was Daniel’s biography in a sentence. Further, perhaps it was the case that there were certain men, such as Jeffreys and White, who were adept at detecting this particular type of fear, and who had learned to cultivate it and use it against their enemies. The driver, had a long coachman’s whip and used it frequently, but never actually struck the horses with it. Rather, he made it crack in the air around the heads of his team, and used their own fear to drive them.
When Daniel had sent Jeffreys to the Tower and to his scaffold-top meeting with Jack Ketch, he’d phant’sied that he had slain a dragon, and put an end to that part of his life. Yet now Mr. White had appeared out of nowhere. An alarming chap! But much more alarming was what this all implied, namely that the world had more than one dragon — that it was infested with them — and that a fellow who was afraid of dragons must perforce spend all his days worrying about one or another.
This was all very much of the essence, because when Daniel tracked Isaac down, wherever he was, he would not be able to do what needed to be done without first mastering this fear. (from The Confusion – Baroque Cycle 02 – Neal Stephenson)
You see, unless you get to the bottom cause of any distress, you can’t do anything about it. This is why most things don’t work. Even if a given technology would work, if and when it depends on the practitioner / leader / coach AND the participant’s willingness to see the root, the technology will work on the effect rather than on the cause.
To make it clear I will use again the tree analogy. The seed is the cause. The seed has the finished picture of a tree already imprinted in its DNA. Everything else, including the roots, are effect. Lots of effects… layer after infinite layer of effects.
Worrying about sounding stupid is an effect.
What I found out in the Neal Stephenson book is this: ultimately everything, in society, boils down to being liked, approved of. That’s what we want, and that is what we use as a guide to maneuver through life.
What kind of life does worrying about being liked give you? A small, fearful, cautious life. Instead of expanding, boldly, into territories where you’ll be wrong and stupid, and clumsy, and learn, and learn and learn, and ultimately grow and expand, you’ll do the reasonable things: do the things you already know how to do, and ultimately shrink. It makes you a coward, and a beggar… and half dead to boot.
Some soul-corrections have it worse than others, I think “Silent Partner” has it worst, “See The Big Picture” is second worst.
Until you get it on all levels of being that betting being liked 24/7 is like betting on the snow staying around in Syracuse, NY… where every snow fall is followed by a thawing, reliably, like clockwork. I’ve lived here for 13 years, and snow has never stuck around for longer than a week, before it melted.
That being liked is like fool’s gold… looks good but has no value.
The world, Life belongs to the daring, the bold, the audacious, the one that has the courage to grow, to be an expanding human being.
But what if you can’t be courageous because you are still gripped by this fear of losing affection, being judged, not being liked?
Only free people can be courageous.
Your problem is that you are not free… you are a hostage to being liked… a Stockholm Syndrome kind of relationship with it. It’s the enemy but you keep rubbing up to it… to please it, to curry favors.
The activator you need to use is the Unconditional Love Activator. You need to get it at least 40%. Less than that? you are still a hostage. I hate to break it to you…
If you buy any version of the Unconditional Love Activator AND I can be sure that you are using the Heaven on Earth or the Sleep Rescue.
If you are already using both, you don’t need to buy it again. But I need to make sure that you do use your activator and remedy… or all bets are off. Just owning them doesn’t qualify you.
I will approve every person manually, give me a few hours.
Unless you are free to be, you aren’t able to be courageous, expanding, and won’t become a human being.
PS: while I was looking for pictures to illustrate this article, I found this:
I haven’t written in some time. Maybe a year. I withdrew, afraid of my writing being too confronting for others. Afraid of saying the wrong thing, offending, shocking but afraid mostly of being criticized.
Today, I woke up exhausted. I’ve been waking this way day after day- I just can’t believe it’s morning and the night is over. I didn’t sleep, I just tossed and turned and went in and out of half-asleep mode. I’ve been this way most of my life, but now it’s really bad. It’s bad because I feel exhausted all of the time. All day, non stop. Sometimes, I sit in a chair or lay in bed and spend way too much time wondering how the hell I’m going to muster the energy to even move.
I guess I was mistaken in assuming someone had to like you to care for you. I wonder if most of us tie our survival into being liked.
When I’ve noticed the ‘desire for self’ in those close to me, it seemed as if it was easier for them to justify the ‘desire for self’ if they didn’t like the other person(s). Thank you Sophie
what you are touching on here, Baheej, is the “perpetration/withhold” phenomenon. If they are supposed to like you, but yet they do something against you, like a “desire for the self alone” act, they have to get mad at you, start not to like you, etc.
It is the smoke screen the mind throws up so it does not have to be responsible for the “desire to receive for the self alone” and can push the responsibility/blame on the wounded/harmed person.
It is more complicated inner works than what seems to be on the surface.
You are thinking simplistically.
I know I am scared of sounding stupid and saying the wrong thing, but I am encouraged. With Sophie, who is listening in a different way, I feel I am saying it to someone who is hearing it for the ‘keys’ that are able to unlock the next door… and as difficult as the process is, it is part of what is necessary to get to the next step.
OMG,,, this post just made me realise that the ones I have been doing cartwheels & turning myself inside out for,,, actually ‘hate’ me!!!! I do have a fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, I learnt that very early on in life and now realise that in my 60’s I have missed the boat and still ‘walking on eggshells’. Am thinking now, that it is such a ‘pretense’ on all sides, all wanting approval and not approving of ourselves in the first place. I don’t want to do this or be the recipient of it anymore,,, Happy New Year Sophie to you and me and all the rest of us.
Thank You.