Podcast: Play in new window | Download
My first breakthrough in emotional intelligence came when a number of years ago I identified the emotion that curled down the corners of my mouth. It was familiar… and it was the first time I had words to wrap around the emotion: “I am personally offended.”
The key word there is ‘Personally’…
Of course, every time you are offended, you took something personally, as if it happened to you, as if it were directed to you, personally.
Rarely, if anything, is directed at you personally.
In fact the offending party is so wrapped up in their own ‘stuff’ that they scarcely took notice of you… at all.
But once you discover that you are ‘personally’ offended, you can’t help but burst out laughing. It is funny, even ridiculous.
Now, I admit I have never met anyone who had enough intelligence to catch this ‘personally’ part with or without help.
In fact something happened today that made me tell this story.
As I am re-tooling to create a new principle based foundation for my business, I let go of a participant who just wasn’t a good match to this new foundation…
So I cancelled this person’s accounts, refunded some payments unrelated to the Playground, while he was fuming, carrying on.
He emailed a demand that workshops that he participated in should not be shared with anyone who wasn’t on the same recordings as him.
Here is my question to you, my dear reader. Can you distinguish the attitude this demand comes from?
If you do, I have a valuable gift for you. I won’t say what, but it will be worth at least 50 bucks.
Please put your assessment into the comment box… I am eagerly awaiting the answers.
PS: Emotional intelligence is… surprisingly, finding the words YOU SAY in your head, that create the emotion.
You have no control over your emotions beyond controlling your words. Those you can control. But only if you know what they are.
You can live your whole life never identifying your dark side, never identifying how you try to get more than is your due, how you try to rob other people of what is theirs, dignity, rights, power.
You can do identify and take responsibility for your attitude only if and when you can accurately identify the words.
I habitually let go of people who either can’t or won’t.
- Envy says: I want what you have and I’d rather that you don’t have it, only me.
- Jealousy says the same.
- Superiority says: I am better than you, you are dirt, and you better submit to me.
- Arrogance says: I am going to toot my own horn because that is all I have…
Of course your words are most likely different. The important thing is that you identify the words, accurately, verbatim, and then meditate over that, over what kind of person would say that.
If it is not something you would want to put on loudspeaker, then stop staying that in your head.
Re-evaluate your relationships to the truth, to work, to yourself, to others.
Work on it.
Emotional intelligence is the number one reason why you are not liked, not wanted, not happy.
I have a number of students who need to listen in and be mortified at the stuff they say in their heads.
Some start to say those things even in their interactions… I can feel it. That is why being an empath is useful in my work.
If they continue saying those things, in their heads, of course, I let them go.
Why? The moment you feel superior to your teacher, is the moment when you stop being trainable.
My soul correction is ‘Forget Thyself’, the ultimate arrogant soul correction. so I have been fighting this all my life… I had to take it to mastery, because it made me so alone, and so miserable.
7% arrogance remained, and I endeavor catching them all…
Superiority and arrogance dress up in righteousness… so it is hard sometimes to identify them as such… after all you are right about something. But catching it is mandatory if you want to be happy, moving, growing, and live a great life.
In the Feel your Feelings workshop we spent almost all our time ferreting out the words of your self-damaging, happiness-killing attitudes.
You can learn about these even just listening to the recordings of the five sessions.
I am in the process to adding these recordings to the mobile app… You’ll be notified and admitted when I am done with that.
For the next five days, until Monday midnight, you can get a discount on this course… and you can even pay in two payments… USE coupon code FEELINGS to get the discount.
Go to step 2
yes. just one note: it is not just Memories soul correction, it is all of humanity… homo sapiens.
Yes! Something I accepted and kept and repeated. It relates to my memories soul correction, as I see it (SO helpful, I notice that more and more). This is useful advice, thank you.
Have some compassion for yourself, and know that those buttons are all word based: something you said or accepted from others, a label, and now it is slowly killing you.
Ferret out the words, and see that they had nothing to do with reality, with truth. No one is ever attacking you, they are attacking a behavior.
Often I’m defending myself in reaction to something someone says, based on my personal “buttons” they may have pushed (probably unrelated to what they ACTUALLY said, just what I heard through my lens). A very self centered way to relate. Noticing that about myself is…yuck! At least I’m noticing anyway!
OK. I probably should have waited another day or two, but I was really irked by this unfinished business… so here you go.
The word, or expression most completely fit the attitude of the person who I mention in the article is ‘self-importance’
Now, he is not alone, In essence, that is what I measure in the starting point measurements in the ‘about-me’ score… The more self-important you are the less effective you are in life, and the higher your about-me score. You are not necessarily selfish, and you are not necessarily coming from ‘desire to receive for the self alone’, you just attribute too much importance to what YOU want, what you think is right and what you think is wrong. Self-righteousness comes as a possible side-effect, anger, vengefulness: ditto. But the essence is self-importance.
No one won, but you all deserve kudos for going for it. Miko’s observation that when you have self-importance, you cannot see another’s vantage point, you cannot see what is important for another, so you are probably not liked, not popular, not many people’s favorite person…
Self importance makes you talk too much, put in your two cents worth even when it is not asked for, ask yet another question after the leader says good bye, and be offended, much of the time. Some of you recognize yourself?
Hi Sophie –
I see Envy leading to arrogance as long as he is not suffering, as I belive he is, from the behaviour “He would rather kill you first ” than let you share his past contribution. Also not taking responsibility for his feelings I would put first.
yeah, it is hard
Reading the other comments now I’m thinking maybe arrogance. As in “I’m extremely valuable and you’re foolish. I will take back all the valuables I’ve given you and you will be punished.” Believing that his personal participation was relevant to your decision even though objectively it wasn’t. (This is hard…)
My first thought was superiority…but when re-read the part again this is what I see: He is personally offended and he says like “who the f* do you think you are letting me go ..it is payback time!”…..Just a guess.
A timely article for me, Sophie, thank you.
My guess is that the student was personally offended, all about himself, and maybe even vengeful as in “tit for tat”. Couldn’t see that your decision was about your life and what’s best for your project.
Looks like he’s coming from a place of rejection- feeling turned away he wanted to take back with him anyting but he may have contributed. If he sees his contributions as part of him then you can’t have them either, it was a conditional “gift”. So maybe I see ownership there too? That’s my 2¢
I will reveal the attitude in a few days. Keep on guessing… make sure that you pick attitude specific to how he behaved.
“Desire to receive for the self alone” the selfish gene
My guess is the student’s attitude is superiority and “wanting for self alone.”