So you want to feel special?
We are all special, if special means, as special as our thumbprint… But that is not special enough for you, is it?
You want to be SPECIAL… so you can be treated special… a special talent, outstanding, mind boggling, awesome, the best.
In this article I will shed light to an important phenomenon that we are all experiencing… the ITCH, that keeps us miserable, and the HORIZON that keeps us on track, sane, happy and always well.
The wanting to be special is an ITCH. A constant irritation, a constant pull, a constant push to be something that you are not. 1
To understand clearly how things work, it is useful to see the setup, the big picture.
A human has two major parts:
The vertical part: the being part, the inner part, the part that can lead him to conscious beingness, the next level of evolution, the level of human being.
The horizontal part: the doing, feeling, thinking part. The selfish gene. The body, the mind, the thoughts, are all on this plane. And the horizontal part is the part that interacts with others.
Trying to be special, wanting to be special is a horizontal plane activity. In this activity what makes you “special” is
- what other people say about you
- what matches your standards of special
- what your mind says about you
- how you feel about yourself
Horizontal Plane… The periphery of your being
If you look at the list above, there is no being there.
Being only exists on the vertical plane, but it is not the result or some activity or feeling: it is a starting point. It is not the end of a process, it is the starting point of a process.
We can also say, on the vertical plane you are coming from being special… and you don’t need to do anything to make you special, make you more special, and the opinion, the feedback, the results don’t change it a bit: there is no more special or less special on the vertical plane. There is special, being special. There is also capable, brilliant, beautiful, loved and loving… and a lot more.
People walk around in the world with a wound that itches… and they try to make it go away by pursuing what seems to be missing… special, loved, loving, happy, smart, safe, secure, talented,… and a lot more…
The result is disastrous: you find that the mind doesn’t agree with you. You find that others don’t agree with you. You find that there is always more special to go. You find that no one cares. You find that no matter how special you are in one moment, the nex tmoment you are back to square one: not special.
In the ITCH webinar, which is level 4 of the Brilliance at Will course, we first discover what your persistent itch is, and we match it with a being, a place to come from, that disappears the itch, but borrows energy from it.
Most people have one itch, some two, some even three.
The method we use is simple: you complete the exercise: your three most important questions, with actions or results, not feeling. The three questions are: What do you want do in the near future in the areas of experience, growth, and contribution.
Let me clarify: “feeling better” is not a good answer. “Experiencing no fear” is not a good answer. What will you do if you feel better, or if you experience no fear will give you some actions: “go for a walk in the woods like when I was young,” or “finally finish that book I have been writing for the past 20 years”
You have to have three actions in each three categories.
Then I ask you to elaborate, explain, and I close my eyes. I feel what you feel, just stronger, and I use it as a guidance to see what is the itch, what is the suffering, the BIG suffering.
Everyone has at least one… even the happiest people. I still have one, at least.
Your particular ITCH is closely related to your soul correction… that is my experience.
So, if you haven’t, get your soul correction report: it is calculated from the date of your birth… month, day, and year.
I can do it for you, or you can calculate your own: it is not rocket science. here is the link to the pdf
Once you learn being the beingness we find for you… you’ll be on your way to master your life.
What does that mean?
I have a friend who has this “special” itch. He was the little one in his family, his father left the family when he was five, his siblings were good students, and he felt that somehow he was left out, he was not special enough to … well, anything.
His itch was born: do anything to be special, except studying, doing the homework, anything that would show that he is not special.
He got through school cheating, drinking, and a ton of friends.
Then he started another phase of becoming special: associating with famous, special people. Whatever it takes. Except work… except efforts, real, sustained efforts.
Nowadays he is special because he takes care of everyone. Me including. Except that he uses promising to become special, delivering, true to form, secondary… Anything promises him to be more special than delivering on his promise will take precedent.
If this friend of mine learned to come from being special, he would be able to move towards his real dream: becoming someone who can be proud of his achievements.
Will he do it? Probably not. Why? Because it is easier to stay with what you know. Because it takes sustained effort, going deep into the beingness to achieve the peace and the joy that comes with living from your vertical.
And in his case, sustained effort sounds like a bad idea: his itch doesn’t allow him to do anything deep, anything sustained, anything effort.
If you are like him, you probably don’t belong… because you won’t do well. I cannot help you. Oops, I said it. But it’s true.
- Here is an article I copy here… not because it is good, but because it teaches the opposite of what I teach, and it is therefore shallow and ineffective… The article is Tree of Knowledge, psychological… the “science” of human feelings, my teaching is Ontological, teaching from Human Being, Ontology, the dominion of the Vertical.
The Need to Feel Special
From the time Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a “special” place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a “special” relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn’t have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.
It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother’s attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical and withholding love when her mother didn’t do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer’s neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on approval and attention from others.
Jennifer, now in her late 30’s, finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother – attaching to others in needy and demanding ways. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.
We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that is dysfunctional, it is how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy. It is dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out, and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special, our behavior is dysfunctional.
HEALTHY SPECIAL-NESS
You will stop pulling on others to make you special only when you accept the full responsibility of making yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others – treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making ourselves feel special. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can:
- TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Attend to your feelings throughout the day and explore what you may be doing that is causing painful feelings, rather than making others responsible for your feelings.
- Attend to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.
- Accept yourself rather than judge yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself – tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Value your talents and gifts.
- Value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance – your kindness, compassion, creativity, caring.
- Behave in ways that you value – being loving, kind, integrous, compassionate, understanding, caring.
- Pursue work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.
- TAKE PHYSICAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Feed yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.
- Get enough rest and exercise.
- Create balance between work and play and creative time.
- Make sure you are physically safe such as when riding a motorcycle.
- TAKE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Make sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another, if physically able to do so.
- Spend within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt.
- TAKE RELATIONSHIP RESPONSIBILITY:
- Stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than complying, defending or resisting in the face of others’ demands or criticism. Don’t be a victim.
- Refrain from blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Don’t be a victim.
- TAKE ORGANIZATIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Do what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.
- Make sure your living space and work environment are clean and tidy, and esthetically pleasing.
- TAKE SPIRITUAL RESPONSIBILITY:
- Take the time to connect with the love and truth of God/Higher Power.
- Take time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self – your Inner Child.
Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special.
As Jennifer practiced making herself special, she discovered that her relationships with others were becoming stronger and more fulfilling. People were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending themselves against her demands for attention. Her behavior naturally and gradually changed with others when she was treat herself as a special person.
- TAKE EMOTIONAL RESPONSIBILITY:
