In this 2011 article I will show you how I connected to Soul, and through that connection how I have been able to awaken the desire to connect.
As I have said in other articles, desire is necessary to open the spigot of light… Desire opens and closes this spigot, and you can control desire.
The biggest issue is to awaken this desire: it is not active in Soul.
All the modalities, all the methodologies that talk about soul’s desire, try to cause your conscious self’s desire, and that desire doesn’t open the spigot. This is how I did it…
In 2010, October, I took a program, called the Landmark Education Forum, for the 20th time.
Why on earth would I do something for 20 times? Well, there was something that I wanted to uncover, that in all the Landmark Education programs I had never able to get a glimpse of. I wanted to discover how come that in spite of all my talents, in spite of all my diligence, I was never able to stay above “just over broke.”
In addition to solving that issue, I had another agenda: I felt inspired to be the guardian, to be the eyes and the ears of another participant in that program, who was deaf and blind. The commitment to be there for her so, in spite of her limitations she gets a new view at the underbelly of life. At the same time I would get what I was there to get, seemed like the perfect setup. Complicated enough to confuse the forces that keep life the same.
Desire to receive for the sake of sharing
You see, even then, I knew that if you are there only for what you want, for yourself, the spigots of heaven won’t open. But I was there also for her, for what may be possible by opening her mind to never before heard dimensions.
At some point, in the Landmark Education Forum, the leader was talking about forgiving people in our lives, even if they didn’t deserve it. Forgiving them for our own sake, so we stop eating the poison we’ve prepared for them. 1
Something got me out of my chair, and out of line, without being called on, I blurted out, “like your parents”
He asked me to come to the front, and we started a conversation. I was quite reluctant, I didn’t think the “newbies” in the room were ready to hear my story. But the leader was persistent, so as cryptically as I could, I told them the story how I was raped by a drunk stranger at the age of 3 and a half, how they found me lying in my blood, how they washed me up, and took me home to my mother who didn’t even look at me, but instead, with disgust on her face, said: “You are a whore!” and turned away.
As a 3-year old I didn’t know the meaning of the word. I only knew that somehow I was a worthless person, and I didn’t even know why.
I cried in front of the 100 people of the course. I wasn’t in 2010. I was back in 1950… little girl, curly hair, crushed.
The leader asked me if I was willing to forgive my mother. I could feel the “no” in my chest. I could even catch the thought “If I forgive her, more horrible things will happen to me” so I said, out loud: NO!
He said then, the leader: “For the little girl, who didn’t have a chance to grow up, who haven’t had a chance to have fun, who could never see the light of day since that day 60 years ago, would you be willing to forgive your mother? You are responsible to give a good life to that little girl!”
“What little girl? I asked sharply. There is no little girl…” but as I was saying that, something started to stir.
The rest of that day I felt that stirring constantly. I located it over the left side of my body, much like a little baby that you are burping… also the same size. “Wow, I think I am finally going crazy!”
For the next few weeks I started to look at my activities through the filter: What will the “little one” say about that.
I discovered the fun of eating. I discovered the fun of the weather. I discovered not being alone.
For example, standing in front of the refrigerator, I was talking to the “little one” about what’s there, explaining, rejoicing in experiencing the tastes, the textures of the stuff… without even touching anything.
When I went to sleep, I made sure I slept on my right side, so I wouldn’t crush her. I shared my 60 years with her, and it was warm, intimate, and fun. Teary fun… not ha-ha. But fun, nevertheless.
I was clear that it was my soul. I was clear that it was up to me what kind of life my soul had. I was clear that I was the boss, and that I had a choice every boss had: to just use the soul, or tell her to shut up and stay quiet, or allow her to grow, flourish, and have her brilliance liberated. I also, somehow knew that through this soul I can talk to — to whatever is greater than either of us… Creator? Source? God? I did not know.
But as I was giving more life to the “little one” I was feeling an awakening desire to connect to that whatever, and really connect.
Caring for the “little one” was like a walking meditation, a life wholly directed from within, not without.
The urge to read everything I could put my hands on, the urge to buy new stuff, the urge to be everything for everybody, fell away like a tattered coat: I didn’t need those to protect me from being myself any more.
I spent time to connect, ask for what I needed, negotiating how I wanted my answers to be delivered to me.
We, the “little one” who by this time wasn’t so little, wasn’t so helpless, we were eager to connect, eager to be lead and guided, eager to find new ways the answer came, like an Easter Egg Hunt of our own.
Emails calling to be read. My hand irresistibly drawn to books I bought but never read, movies I never thought I would ever watch.
Every step of the way I could observe as my ego-self, the smart, the brilliant, the know-it-all was bristled over the audacity of such suggestions that came, and every time I could observe this reaction as a wise parent observes an unruly child that throws a tamper tantrum every time it doesn’t get its way. No argument, no rising emotions, just observing it, like you watch the weather that will come and go. This too shall pass.
It is clear, by this point, that there are at least three of us sharing this life, the soul, the ego, and I came to call the part that took care of the soul, the Conscious Mind, the boss.
And the I, the Boss, was really interested in finding a way of causing real change for people.
At that point I had been a “transformational coach” like all the rest: causing “flash in the pan” results. Results that didn’t stick. Changes in worldview that didn’t stay. Changes in attitudes that turned back to the old ways as soon as you took your eyes off them.
I asked for guidance for that: to find something that can change human beings, so they can be happy, peaceful, love each other, grow, be brilliant… you get the picture. Something that will last.
The journey to the solution wasn’t what I had in mind. I wanted a coaching technique, and truth be told, I wanted to keep it for myself, to make me and MY clients rich… But what I wanted didn’t happen.
Instead I’ve been guided to World Transformation for no pay. To causing the ascension of humanity, for no pay.
What I wasn’t prepared for, what I am not prepared for is the fact that human being doesn’t want to ascend. That human being doesn’t even know what desire is. It knows want, urges, lust, craving, but it doesn’t know desire.
That human being gives lipservice to soul, but they, like me, have kept their soul in the dark, oppressed, ignored, neglected, and dying.
That human being is more interested in the drama of love, of connecting, the drama of ascension, reading about it, talking about it, watching a movie about it, than actually doing it, living it, surrendering to it.
If you are the rare exception, this method of connecting to your inner being, is an excellent way to start.
Start with the most painful memory that you have. That memory will be your access point.
They say that “it is darkest before dawn” and what they mean is that the moments before dawn are the darkest.
But it is a misnomer. Before means also “in front of”.
Your darkest is covering up, is standing before the Light. That is your entry point. It may hurt… but not as much as a life lived without the Light and without caring for your soul.
- We all know that when we are angry or resentful, or we even hate, we are the one who suffers. It can be expressed poetically: We are eating the poison we made for them hoping that they die from it… but alas, they probably don’t even know you are angry. Or don’t care. Or can’t do anything about it.
Very helpful. Now I see I have been blocking access to painful feelings by immediately talking my way out of it (inside my head), eg, “but I love that person now, so what happened in the past doesn’t matter…”
Now I am seeing it, and trying not to rush straight to fixing, trying to see from outside the mind
More on the topic of the soul, please!
This was good Sophie. I can see more… We can only grow by bringing all the incidents and hurtful moments to the surface instead of burying them up deeper.
Ugh. I am so cut off from the world of normal human feelings. I have to climb out of my hole just to reach normal numbness. THEN, may the real healing and connecting begin. I know there is another possibility of being, up, up the vibrational scale. I have been stingy with life, and making it wrong, making being human wrong for religious reasons. I (almost) accept this as a starting point. Must let go of resentment. No one to blame. Bad choices, bad model. Responsibility.
Jan, I think that the “little kid” teachers did you a disservice by calling it a “little kid.”
The little 3-year old I am speaking of in this article is no more. She has grown up and she is a full adult.
On the other hand, I found three other incidents yesterday that a part of my aliveness was buried with, one age 4, age 10, and age 26… I found these when I was looking for incidents where I was powerless with money: asking it, keeping it. Which means I was powerless to protect me, to nurture me, to expand me.
I have created a “fear blocking desire” download, but it hasn't completely eliminated the intense powerlessness those memories brought up.
This article resonates with me. I feel what you say – the little kid in us is the innocent soul and it gets blocked by all the layers we build to not feel the pain of living in an unconscious culture… But by trying to not feel the pain we also forfeit the capacity to feel the deep joy of the soul…
anything that is wrong with you will work. I am sure you can find something wrong with you. If you can't: ask you wife.
what if you're not sure of a pain from early childhood?