Podcast: Play in new window | Download
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. ~ Alan Watts.
Lots of people like this quote. They like it because few people are even able to go one step further than thinking of defining themselves from their minds.
One of my students tried. He said: ‘I work for this and this company. I am intimate and loving.‘
Now, let me ask you: why define yourself? For what purpose?
Do you think that matters? Do you think that different purposes will result in a different definition?
If I ask you to describe yourself so when I come to our meeting place I can recognize you, if you don’t say anything about your height and such, I will surely think you as a moron and cancel our appointment.
If you want to be a driver for me, and you talk about your job at blah, I will not even answer your email.
My current driver was the only one out of 250 applicants who defined herself saying ‘I am punctual, I am a decent driver, and I am good company…’ I hired her without asking any more questions. She was intelligent enough to look at the question as ‘what will be my experience with you driving me to places?’
She used three different verbal tools to communicate to me what to expect
- promise
- assessment
- declaration
She promised to be punctual. She assessed her driving as decent. And she declared to be good company.
The last one, the declaration, now became her core identity in our relationship. I don’t continue riding with her because she is punctual. Nor because she drives decently.
I ride with her because she has a commitment to be good company.
And she has been… in spite of some potential glitches. Amazing.
Your core identity is a commitment.
It’s a vow. It is the flag you carry. Ultimately it is what defines you.
At this point…
At this point your core identity is your thinly veiled hidden nature that you hope won’t come out. Like belligerent, like nasty, like ‘when it gets tough I’ll leave’, like ‘I’ll do everything to dupe you’. ‘I’ll argue with you.’ ‘I think I am smarter than you.’ ‘Hey, I’ll get my money’s worth. Not in value but in being a time-suck.’ etc.
Before we can CREATE a core identity that will serve us, we need to tell the truth about the hidden identity, so we can manage it. It’s the mud through which we need to go through to reach the solid rock, so we can build something worth building, in spite of the mud.
And when the mud shows up again, we can say to it ‘I know who you are… go back where you came from’
Your assignment in developing your brain, developing your thinking is to define yourself to
1. a potential mate
2. a potential teacher
3. a coach in a project
4. a project leader who considers you making part of the team
5. a head hunter
6. a talent scout
7. a friend wanting to mooch on you
Do not lie. Say only facts or promises/declarations that you can keep.
How to do this assignment that it becomes a self-growth, self-developing exercise?
Imagine scenarios where you are taken into scenarios where your behavior/attitude is important.
- how will you be if you are caught exchanging intimate words with your ex?
- how will you be if your new mate/your boss/your teacher yells at you?
- Who/how will you be if you are accused of not carrying your weight in the new team?
- how will you be if someone asks you for something that is beyond what you promised?
- how will you be if someone asks why you are not sharing your wealth?
Lots of confronting scenarios mean lots of learning, growing experience.
If you don’t like how you have been in a similar situation, invent a new way of being, and test it out in your imagination. If you like it, become that kind of person.
Make sure that these are not silent movies: the words are important. The words reflect your attitude, your hidden Self.
One of my students suddenly inherited money. She is now encountering, in her real life, situations that in the past had a predictable outcome.
Saying no is a problem for many of us, saying no gracefully and with authority is something you need to learn, you need to practice.
You won’t become an independent powerful person overnight. If you have been a door mat, a people pleaser, a victim, a bully, a despot, you will need to practice ways of being of an independent powerful person. It won’t be easy.
If you just read this article,
If you just read this article, but have no intention to do the practices, please do yourself and me a favor: GO AWAY. Do not poison the air on my blog any more.
Go to Christie Marie Sheldon or Teal Scott… they are perfect for you.
For those of you who can’t decide. Or if you are unclear… I am having other posts coming: this is the most important skill you can learn.
If you are having a difficulty, but are COMMITTED to become a person, start with the Reality Challenge. It will take you to a place where this exercise will be the next logical step.
