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It is like being waterboarded… again and again and again.
Waterboarding is, of course, a torture technique designed to break an enemy captured.
Horrible. Even if you survive you have PTSD, nightmares.
And much of this ordeal with my health was like waterboarding… whenever I set my head on a pillow on the bed.
Whether it will last of not is still a question: I don’t have the courage to test it tonight. I’ll do the sitting upright, leaning against something catching minutes of bliss that way. That way at least I am only tortured by tiredness, not by the fear of drowning.
Yesterday while I was looking for a way to end it all, I wanted to post on Facebook: if you can’t sleep, you can’t live… or something like that.
I hadn’t known that. I used to always be able to sleep. Maybe not as well as I wanted to. Maybe not as long as I wanted to, But I could sleep.
Now I can’t. Hopefully I can learn to sleep again.
Sleep again in bed.
So tonight I was testing out some of my own energy audios to see how well they will stand up to the panic this sense of suffocating death creates.
I tried a few. Some, interestingly, conveyed the anxiety I had when I recorded them.
But one has performed amazingly. Of course it is no proof yet, but as soon as I removed the audio, the panicked breath returned… As soon as I removed the ear bud.
the audio is called heaven on earth silent short.
—I wrote the above a few days ago…
Yesterday I had a breakthrough insight.
I was, or better said, the body was trying to heave. But my stomach was empty, not even water in it.
It was dramatic. it was heroic. but most importantly, I could see through the spaces between what was happening that my body was strong. And it wanted to live.
That allowed me to change my mind. I had thought before that my body was ready to go and I was holding it back.
Between you and me I had never fully committed to life. After all I had overheard my parents talk about me, when I was an infant, saying that I wasn’t supposed to be alive.
It is true that I had a bacterial invasion on my body. It is true that it made me cough. It is true that I felt like I was drowning. It is also true that the Bit Bundle could have solved the whole issue… but the coughing was so intense, I gave up on it.
It is true that every breath feels like the last one. And hurts. Mightily.
But counterpoint to that: the body wants to live.
