I am doing a business project with my brand spanking new coach… and…
As it was predictable, this is my fourth day only, I already got to a place, where fear is coming up.
I am glad, because I am so rarely afraid. This will give me an opportunity to notice something Tree of Life for my scaredy cat clients and students.
So I am afraid.
IT, the voice, is whispering sweet nothings into my ear, lol. ‘It’s not important.‘ ‘You are already fine.‘ ‘What if you lose all the money you’ve made?‘ ‘he doesn’t know…‘
‘I hear you,’ I answer cheerily, and continue looking at how to organize my advertising.
I used to have this conversation with my cats: They would yowl, and I would say ‘I got it’, or ‘I agree’. sometimes for quite a few times. I was doing what I was doing, and the cat was yowling.
The next difficult step will be to watch the tutorial videos. after all I don’t know everything, and thus far I have shied away from actually learning what to do. Hey, if you don’t know how to do it, no one can blame you for not doing it.
‘I just don’t know how to do it…‘ says the voice. lol.
I did not expect that one. Now I am starting to see a whole slew of things the voice says that stops me and you from wanting to learn anything. Especially publicly, visibly, yukkk… lol.
OK, very interesting.
So I play a little Freecell. Freecell has always been very generous to me showing me some stuff without having to actually take some real risks.
And true to form, Freecell delivers. It shows the needed ‘Tree of Life’ knowledge:
I liken it to traveling on a winding river. you cannot predict, cannot prepare for what will be revealed once you turn the corner at the next bend. not until you are actually there, turn the corner and see what’s there.
And fear will keep you from that ‘danger’, but also will keep you from that adventure, of gold mine, of whatever will be there.
One of the things that I do that no amount of doing makes any easier is connecting to people.
Connecting to a new person is like going down to the basement of someone’s house with just a lit candle. terrifying. I have no idea what is awaiting me there.
And all, or nearly all of those visits in the basements are jarring, painful, and I’d rather not do it. So before I ‘descend to potential hell’ so to say, I find all kinds of things to do, go to the bathroom, drink water, make a cup of tea…
But eventually I do go down… and so far I live to tell the tale… lol.
You think you should stop feeling fear, or should start feeling confident before you do stuff.
That would be nice, but that is not the nature of reality. You will always feel fear when thinking of anything with uncertain outcome. The feeling of confidence that shows up before you have proof that you actually know. That confidence that you feel before you know how to find a way out when there seems to be none. That confidence you feel is fool’s gold… delusion.
Confidence, etymologically, in the original language, means ‘have full trust’
It begs the question: full trust in what?
Some people are religious, and have full trust in their deity. in spite of the fact that no deity has ever done anything you wanted…
The excellent book, The 7 laws of magical thinking. The book that talks about the kind of trust that is magical thinking, whose purpose is to make you feel better. Exactly the way Prager of PragerU says in his video: we believe in god and the afterlife because it makes us feel better… OK… rephrasing: YOU believe in god… etc. I don’t. I find it oddly comforting that I only have one life, one chance, and if I don’t use it, then I lost it.
So how do you get to confidence? What do you place full trust in?
I, when I can break the fear through, I trust in my ability to deal effectively with what comes up.
There are a handful of issues I don’t trust myself to deal with… even though I probably would, if I were to encounter them. But to jump in at the deep end of the pool… not enough trust. Yet.
Now, one more thing:
One of my students decided to move in with her long time partner. And I haven’t heard from her since then.
I have had only a few live-in relationships. Really only two.
With my late mother’s word, as she was complaining to her girl friend: My rebellious daughter turned into a big gray bunny…
I am not sure what happens to my adult/real self in relationship, it seems to have gone fishing…
And I think this happens to a lot of people, women, and submissive men…
Their ‘self’ disappears, and suddenly there is only ‘we’…
You become a non-person. But that ‘self’ is still there, and it will now start to nudge you… You could say that it’s the soul… It wants what it wants, and you are not giving it to it.
In my humble opinion. in my experience, the soul’s purpose is to turn you into a human being. and its job is to nudge you, and make you uncomfortable, often miserable.
So when you lose your self in a relationship… you are starting a course of misery… no matter how good it looks on the surface.
Whenever you choose something, you unchoose everything else.
And unless you stay on your toes, you may think you have arrived. but it is not the nature of reality to allow you to sit on your tuffet. because the nature of reality is that everything is moving towards dissolution, disorganization, and decay.
