Dynamics of self-sabotage: I will always I will never

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The all-or-nothing attitude (Gentian). The ‘I will always/I will never’ attitude.

We have been working with the machine. The machine we all live in. It is alive… and yet it’s a machine.

This, the self-sabotaging Gentian attitude is the most frequent move of the machine.

Sometimes I wish I were some other teacher… and could write my articles, learn my lessons, without having to get into it, and wade myself through the much and the mire of an attitude, or situation.

But, maybe because I am an empath, this path is not available to me: I have to get dirty myself.

So this article is going to show MY underbelly… ugh.

They say: fake it till you make it… but what people understand from that is not what the saying means. People make it mean: lie through your teeth, deceive people, create a pretense, a public persona, and the truth will follow.

I refuse to lie. So this article will tell you the raw truth about me. It will be painful, but otherwise it won’t teach you anything.

OK, this is what happened:

I have recently took a course on using a facebook page to attract new customers. Sounds good, though my opinion of facebook and people that hang out on facebook is really bad… but I hoped that it would not interfere.

I chose the topic: healing enthusiasts, and named the page: I love healing. Now, it may be true for me, but not the way people hear it: in order to heal, you first have to have disease, and that makes it a distasteful topic for me, but I ignored that too, hoped that it would not interfere.

I decided that I would hold a large free healing event. I haven’t been doing anything for free, because I don’t like freebie seekers, I really dislike them. But I hoped that my dislike would not interfere.

I spent a few hundred dollars I didn’t have to spare on advertising on Facebook, and gathered two thousand people who raised their hands that they like healing.

The events themselves weren’t large… a total of 60 people showed up.

I wanted to sell one of my flagship courses in the back end: the Self-Healing Course. I’d seriously underpriced it at $149. But, for this occasion, I created a special: $49 for 6 healing videos and 6 live session. It should cost $997, But I really wanted to make sure money wouldn’t be a barrier to people.

I didn’t even put one person’s arse in a seat… I didn’t sell anything.

So, here I am. Sitting, the morning after, lol, feeling beat. Feeling betrayed.

I am musing, and playing Freecell, watching my attitude. Attitude is everything.

If you can catch your attitude, you can put yourself back in control.

Attitude is volitional, meaning that you can change your attitude. Not easy, but possible.

I am seeing glimpses of it, but it takes a good hour for it to reveal itself in all its glory:

The attitude of all-or-nothing. We could also call it the attitude of desperation.

• I start something I don’t believe I can (or even want to) do. Make sure I throw in my last dollars. I want to be rescued, I want to be saved, so I put all responsibility on the stuff that is supposed to save me.
• Then I do a shabby job. I do it half-assed, just to get it done, so I can say: ‘I did it and it didn’t work. You see how miserable I am?‘
• I forget to press record the video I promised, so I had to re-record it later.
• I spend only a few minutes talking about my offer… instead of selling it in earnest.

And then I can’t sleep, I am looking for a scapegoat, the course was bad, the people were awful, blah blah blah.

As you can see, the results were predictable from the start, there were at least 7-8 issues to guarantee it.

As you can see, it is sabotage on the first degree…

But why? Why would someone of my caliber do that to themselves?

Answer: don’t worry about the why. Just change your attitude, dust yourself off and do it right next time.

But just like with a ball of yarn, unless you catch the end of the yarn, you will have a hard time unroll it… and gaining control.

So, as soon as I finished posting this ‘report’ I took a ride to do my weekly errands. And then it hit me:

The the end of the yarn… that will help us unroll, unravel it so we can take control.

And here it is:

It is easy for you/them, they are/have/don’t have/aren’t…

In his 1964 bestseller, Games People Play, Eric Berne has a version of this ‘game’. It’s a blame game. It’ is a game that keeps you the way you are with an excuse. You can download a pdf of that book: you’ll be surprised how many games YOU play… Games people play

So here are a few examples I came across just today:

• When we pass an empty lot, I say: Nice.

My driver, on the other hand starts to see what can be done to them, buildings, garden, etc. I only see what’s there… No vision.

But if you do something, I am really good at tweaking it for you, whether you want me or not.

The hidden ‘end of the yarn’ statement: ‘It is easy for you, because you have the talent to see what’s possible, but I am not. MY machine doesn’t work that way. So I will be justified to be poor, miserable, unfulfilled for the rest of my life.‘

Recognize yourself? That is Gentian.

• My driver says: I am really not good at finding my way. It is easy for you: you remember things, but I don’t… so I need to be reminded, always.

The hidden ‘end of the yarn’ statement: ‘It is easy for you, because you are visual. I am not… and I am not even going to try.‘

The truth about her: she remembers names, so if she just remembered the names of the streets (easy for her, impossible for me!) she would not need me to tell her how to do our usual route, that we have been doing weekly for the past 11 months.

What’s in common between the two incidents? The unwillingness to do what needs to get done, finding a way. What else is true?

That the ‘end of the yarn’ statement is a lie covering up layers upon layers of self-justifying, self-sabotaging behavior.

So, here is my vision: I see you printing out this article, and putting it on your kitchen cabinet door, or refrigerator door. Every so often, you ask yourself: do I have a justification ‘It is easy for you/them… but I AM this way, and therefore I am doomed…’

I believe that if you have the desire to succeed in anything in life, especially in the areas where you have been a failure, then this little exercise, asking that specific question, will get you out of the rut you are in…

But understand, that if you only pretend that you have the desire, it will not work.

If you don’t have the desire…  you will not get it. More than that, you’ll reject my suggestion out of hand.

Are you like me, or are you like that? Your whole life depends on your answer…

Go to the next article on the machine

Author: Sophie Benshitta Maven

True empath, award winning architect, magazine publisher, transformational and spiritual coach and teacher, self declared Avatar View all posts by Sophie Benshitta Maven