Locked in/Locked out… scarcity thinking

One of the phenomenon I notice with people is that they do not have moves in communication. This comes from the binary way of viewing the world… either/or, one or the other, yes or no.

One area where this is detrimental to your well-being, to your success, to your energy, to your mood, is promises.

Requests and promises are actions. But they are not binary, even though the multitudes, and your mother and your boss, treat them as such.

When I request something of you, you think you are locked in to say either yes or no.

But your thinking is wrong… So what other choices do you have?

Here are the other choices, you didn’t know you had:

• Choice #1. you can promise to answer later…after all you making a promise without consulting your calendar, your family, and yourself… is moronic, wouldn’t you say so?The result of not knowing about this choice is detrimental to your well-being… you feel locked in, you are miserable, and you start hating the perpetrator: yourself or the person to whom you promised. Unavoidable. So what if you want to promise but not exactly yes/no?
• Choice #2: Counter-offer.I want to promise, but not what you asked for, but something slightly or dramatically different… Not 15, but 10, not today, but tomorrow, not this but that.It doesn’t matter that the requester presents their offer in a binary way… the fact that they are locked in, doesn’t oblige you to ‘mirror’ their limited thinking.The fact that you hear everything as an ultimatum, is proof positive of your scarcity thinking.

Here is an example situation. A client emailed me:

It is the workplace I am in, currently have been working 18hours a week , they want me to work 24 hours a week next year and 37 hours a week the following year.

Legally it looks like they should have given me a contract for the 18 hours but outside of that there was a lot of drama around how they let me know of the changes etc , no prior consultation , they knew I didn’t want extra hours etc and are forcing me into it or no job .

It doesn’t feel like it is a great place for me to grow, I don’t feel fulfilled in it and would like to be doing my life’s work.

I am looking to get out of the drama which has shifted somewhat since the attachment removal.

I would like some help in moving forward without the drama and best approach to use with my employer.

Of course the 18 hours work is ideal to pay the bills and gives me space to start to move into more fulfilling work but the other options are not.

That’s an insight into what is going on.

You see the thinking of the email writer: either accept or find another job. Either stay and not grow, or move.

Communication as option doesn’t even come up…

Now, truth be told, I had never heard about communication before I first did the Communication Course and heard about the moves in language, about moves in communication.

Counter offer? Promise to promise later? They were, at that point, an alien language.

My life had been a battle field previous to that… Everything was edgy, yes, no, victory or defeat. I was winning, or I was losing.

Binary thinking gets you locked in things that don’t serve you… and gets you locked out of others, that would make life moving, flowing, and wonderful.

Now, let me return to promises:

Unwittingly we make a lot more promises than what we are actually willing or able to keep. This includes promises we made to ourselves!

A promise is a lie hanging out in the universe… like an i.o.u.

Your job is to have no lies… so as soon as you see that you are not going to keep your promise, your job is to deal with it.

These are three moves in communication when you made a promise and you find yourself not keeping it…

1. Recommit.Start with the facts: I promised X. I haven’t been doing it… I am recommitting…
2. Cancel and take the consequencesStart with the facts: I promised X. I did Y… I am canceling my commitment.Y can be something or nothing… Always tell the truth. Not the reason, the truth, the fact… please.
3. RenegotiateStart with the facts: I promised X. I see that it doesn’t work for me. I’d like to change my promise to Y… that would work for me.

Notice that ego wants to justify… no need. Just tell the truth…

All justification is a move to avoid being responsible. But responsibility is your access to power… I would not want to give that up for anything… got it?

Unless you become masterful in these moves, you’ll always be locked in, locked out, and out of integrity… And without integrity nothing works. Nothing.

I have had people who were excited to do something with me, something for me. Students.

At some point they turned dutiful, resentful, and the job they did was cutting corners, or just plain bad.

Had they known these moves in communication, they could have 1. canceled the arrangement 2. renegotiated it 3. asked for a conversation to revisit and rekindle their enthusiasm.

PS: Unless your ‘negotiating’ partner is completely amoral, like mafia, gang, or a terrorist, you can gently coerce them to do the right thing… I hope you don’t do business with amoral people…

PPS: Some 20 odd years ago I had a boyfriend who asked me a question that to me sounded like a promise. I never clarified it. I just took it as a promise. He never did.

My resentment, my expectation that he would keep his ‘promise’ poisoned the relationship…

We take a lot of random things as promises. A promise has a format… and you need to know it, or you’ll have a lot of disappointments.

In the ‘Upset to Communication’ course we deal with a lot of misconstrued promises, etc.

From Upset to Communication 

PPPS: The integrity statement says:

do what you promised or can be expected of you even if you didn’t promise it. And do it on time. And when you see that you won’t do it or won’t do it on time, let the other know, as soon as you know you won’t do it or won’t do it on time.

Without integrity nothing works. But without communication integrity can’t work… So you need to learn the moves of communication if you ever what your life to work.