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You have two selves. Everyone has two selves. One is your real self, impervious to attacks, slights.
‘That is not true’, you say. ‘I feel like I am attacked, I feel every slight is an attack on me.’
Yeah, this is all true what you say if you identify yourself with your precious I, the second self.
The precious I is an invented self, and it is the sum total of all your aspects.
Your behavior, your attitude, your nationality, your religion, your politics, your sports team, your looks, your feelings, your family, your money, everything a person can have. Likes, dislikes, whether you are a morning person or a night owl. Everything.
But the precious I doesn’t know about having. For the precious I it is all ‘I am’…
‘I am my money. I am my religion. And if you say anything bad about anything I am, I’ll want to kill you.’ says the precious I.
‘I am a morning person. I can’t. You don’t understand! I have to!’ it cries.
And then you are up shit’s creed without a paddle… for the rest of your life. Unless you find out that you are not all those parts. That you are not your precious I. You have a precious I… like an Achilles Heel… but you are not it.
You are you, and you may conduct your behavior dishonorably, you may have ugly attitudes that are disgusting. but you are not your behavior and you are not your attitude…
Your cells may be dangerously dehydrated and therefore your brain doesn’t work like it could, but you are not stupid. you can drink coherent, energized water, eat raw vegetables or juicy fruit, and hydrate your cells. and voilà your brain starts working again.
And this, that whatever you have you have some control over, you can change them without changing yourself, is how it works.
Whenever I ask you to change something, first you feel slighted. Then you get afraid.
The fear is existential. It is the fear of death. You feel like you’ll lose your self, if you change. You feel that who you are will die… and obviously you don’t want that.
But who you are is not what I asked you to change. I asked you to change a behavior, a belief, an attitude, a habit. Who you are is perfect. What you do, what you believe, your attitude, your habits are what work against what you want: a life you can love. A life you can live powerfully.
So when you identify yourself with your precious I, the one you made up, little by little, piece by piece, delusion by delusion, through defiance and fear, then, of course any change threatens you.
But you are not your precious I. You HAVE your precious I… and it says nothing about you…
But, of course, all the eight billion identify themselves with their precious I. Their looks. Their wealth. The handbag they carry. The figure they have. Whether they have wrinkles or not.
Or there would be not much commerce, would there?
But to your self, who you really are, all those don’t matter.
To your self what’s important is much simpler. a full belly, roof over your head, restful sleep, companionship occasionally, meaningful things to do, feeling free to be yourself.
Not Jimmy Choo, Louis Vuitton, or wrinkle free face. Or impressing people you don’t even respect. Or winning every argument. Maybe making people wrong. It is all only important to your precious I.
I occasionally hear my precious I peep up. What will my brother think of me? What will my university friend think of me? Or what do my neighbors think of me? What will my landlord think of me when they clear out the apartment after I am gone.
But then I just let it go. It is not important to me.
The me that is my self.
My self is young. It is curious. It is fun and has fun. And it delights in tastes, turns of words, colors, seasons, discoveries.
It doesn’t give a rat’s ass about any of the stuff my precious I is so concerned about.
And that takes us to the distinction self-concern.
Concern not for your real self, but for your precious I, your Frankenstein’s monster-like precious I.
What the 1000 accomplished at the root of their being, what is different about them is this separation between their real self and their precious I.
They do manage their behavior, their attitude, their beliefs, their everything, including their looks, to their advantage, because as long as other people believe they are important, you need to manage them.
As my mother used to say when we played cards: you need to give the dogs what is the dogs’ due. (If this doesn’t make sense, whatever will keep the dogs quiet you need to give it to them… like paying taxes?)
But, and she didn’t say this,
you need to not have the dogs dictate you how to be, how to behave, how to feel, how to act.
But… alas, that is what you have been doing. All your life.
And then you are surprised that you are not happy… Instead of seeing, that of course you are not happy. How could you? You have been a slave to the dogs… Instead of just giving the dogs what is the dogs’ due. Scraps.
PS: believe it or not, if you have learned enough from me, the 67 steps coaching will be a great way to pull all the pieces together, into a a coherent whole… at least mentally. And whether you’ll allow this new ‘drummer’ to march to, whether you allow it inform your actions, inform your attitudes: it will be the next question… won’t it?
I have started to post J’s 67 steps reports in a new site, Prisonbreak… It is the first step of breaking out of your self made prison. First you need to see your prison for what it is: your own creation, worrying about the dogs more than you worry about anything else. See it for what it is. And the next step: actually DO what you would do if you wanted to LIVE outside of the prison.
Be like a duck. Have a self that is impervious to all attacks, all slights, all fear… like a 1000’s.
PPS: For most people the 67 steps coaching, I am now officially renaming Prison Break, first will be a huge attack on your precious I. Your precious I is not as smart as it thought it was… It doesn’t know as much as it thought.
Maybe the rule of contrast got in its eyes… You see, against black even a dark gray thing looks like white. Compared to the boys in the hood you sound like a genius.
You’ll find out that you hear maybe a minute or two in an hour long talk… and even what you hear you misunderstand.
You’ll find out that you are not interested in anything that doesn’t seem personally relevant to you.
So at first the program will seem like punishment.
But your real self knows what you know, and knows that your precious I is full of beans… and your real self will look at the program as an adventure. A trip around the world, its secrets, its miracles, yay, bring it on! Why? Because for your real self it is all fun. Really.
