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Ugly emotions are normal, but emotional intelligence is needed to express and sublimate them.
The not so funny thing about the world we live in is that 30% of the world is full of piss and vinegar (aggressive energy), screaming their heads off about some cause and against everything else, and the rest of us either cow, hide, or fume, of wish for a world of nice and quiet. Or celebration. Or love. Or play… but not this.
I have noticed that even the mention of anger, or hate, or disgust, or any animosity makes people not to want to read the article. They (you?) are afraid of being contaminated.
What you don’t allow to be, won’t allow you to be either. Including ugly emotions
Because someone expressing hate is mirrored inside you… and you don’t want to allow it.
In this article I teach you some ways you can conquer and allow peace and good feelings to win.
You are doing yourself a disservice by rejecting those articles and not open yourself up to the whole reality… instead you want to hide and feel safe in your little room in the palace. But it is killing you…
Just because there are unpleasant things in the world, you can be happy. I am. It did take work, but I succeeded, not hate.
Just because there are ugly emotions, you can feel how you feel… if that ugly emotion is yours, suppressing it will make you sick one way or another… mostly cancer. Cancer is one of the opportunistic diseases that find the gap between who you are and who you fancy yourself to be, and starts growing there.
You need to learn to clear, air, and transform your ugly emotions.
There are two ways to speak of one’s anger.
- 1. you point outward, and as you speak the anger grows.
- 2. you point at yourself, and as you speak the anger diminishes, and maybe even disappears.
The listener has a crucial role in which version happens.
- If the listener can be like an order taker… pass it on to the round file, then the anger, anguish, pain, grief goes away.
- If the listener agrees with the person, then together they whip up a frenzy of anger and hate
- If the listener tries to calm down the speaker, discord happens, and the anger and hate gets transferred to the listener an poisons their life
- If the listener is skillful, then for a while they act as the order taker and then redirect the conversation.
Obviously I am more interested, in this article, in the listener, than in the angry speaker.
- The speaker is already toxic… Incensed. Powerless. The anger, or hate, or whatever dark thing is spewing out is in control, not the person.
- And you, the listener, unless you learn some techniques, are like the land that is attacked by a tornado.
I was like that for a few months before the elections, right after the elections, and now, again…
I have two friends and two coaches who are habitually engaging in hate speak. They always rant, with no intention to speak it out of themselves, they are the dog that is wagged by the tail. They probably feel very smart, superior to what they hate, and want to dump it on me.
Yesterday I shared what I do when the conversation is not personal, they are not talking to me, they are yelling it to their audience… like Trump used to do.
I, honestly, don’t understand what is their problem, and especially don’t understand what it is that they really would appreciate… but I’ll talk about this a little later, first I want to dig deeper in the technique of being well while 30% of the world has gone apeshit.
But my two friends, we talk on the phone, and much of the conversation is: they are upset about the governor. About the new administration. About people who wear masks. About the service industry. About the weather.
All things that are circumstance… Not personal, nothing to do with them, but no, they rail about it.
The being the order taker method:
In a classroom setting the way I would demonstrate it is this: I would ask a volunteer who has some grief, or blame, or a thing like that. I would call them to the podium and give them a full box of tissues.
The instruction would be to hand me a tissue with every sentence they say.
In version one: when I just take it, I would stuck it somewhere on my body, my ears, my nose, my collar, my pocket… and eventually I would have taken all their anger, emotional state on myself.
Many therapists burn out this way: they take on the misery of the client.
In version two: I take the tissue and pass it on to the paper basket. The speaker ends with an empty tissue box, and neither of us is covered, burdened with tissues, anger, or whatever emotion the tissues represent.
The art is to not get hooked.
You know you did well if both of you laugh in the end.
The redirect the conversation method:
You start with the order taking… or you’ll get hooked… At some point catch seething in the tirade the is useful to redirect the conversation… The best method is to ask a sober and curious question about the person or topic they are raving about.
Some detail, some information, some specific. And make that the new conversation. Do this until the speaker becomes a person you’d enjoy talking to.
Here is something that may surprise you:
Underneath this behavior there is something they are not talking about. Some real fear or suffering. The behavior covers it up.
How do I know? I feel it? No… actually when they are ranting and raving, I can’t feel anything else.
But if and when I manage to have a ‘human’ conversation with my friends, what’s underneath comes out or at least shows itself.
With the coaches, the fear is about a world that will not give them what they want: success, good customers, good service. And maybe personal: I am afraid to allow myself to enjoy what I have because of my deep seated self-hate… my main coach’s issue.
Apropos self-hate.
I am starting to see that narcissistic tendencies and self-hate go hand in hand. why? I don’t know yet, I’ll let you know when I see more. But both self-hate and narcissistic tendencies tend to have the same number.
Maybe because they expect to match the self-image in the world, and they disappoint themselves? I really don’t know. It would be easier if I had narcissistic tendencies, but my number is 7%… hardly noticeable.
OK, I promised above to write about what is the most important missing… but I am suddenly not sure I am right about that.
I can share what I saw last night in my core group meeting, but it definitely doesn’t apply to my coaches.
Let me see what is the truth about my coaches…
…and maybe from there I can suss out what the f… is making them rant. I’ll ask Source for yes/no answers.
- It’s not frustration.
- It’s a move… somewhat
- It’s a way to rile people up to be berserker followers… yes. hm. I don’t like where this is going. This is the cult-making, cult creating method all cults ‘cultivated’… to create division, to create an us vs them… A manipulative method to reel them in and keep them hooked.
The fascists did it, do it…
The religious fanatics do it… kill all the infidels. We need a common enemy, not a common future.
Feminists do it
Misogynists do it
Heterosexuals do it nowadays
Homosexuals do it
Xenophobes do it
Christians do it
Rednecks do it
Street gangs do it
Steve Jobs did it
etc.
Possibility is inclusive while these cult creating methods divide, and exclude.
In one of the practices I encourage my students to do is to share what lights them up, what they have learned.
If what they share brings a reaction from the listener: ‘good for you’, then they didn’t share possibility. If the listener say: ‘how can I get some of that for myself?’ then it is a possibility. The listener saw that he could have that too… meaning it was inclusive.
At this point my students fail miserably at this. In a world of division and all for themselves, it is a Herculean job to teach something, anything, that is not only for the person themselves.
Back to what I saw last night: as long as you cannot formulate what you are up to in a way that it’s exact, specific, measurable, a true ‘box cover’, your actions will be, at best, tentative, clumsy, and ineffective in getting you what you want.
And you will be out of integrity, and unhappy, maybe even purposeless.
Only a precise, meticulously crafted purpose will give you purpose. Bummer, eh?
It is, because crafting a purpose is serious business. And most coaches will leave you to it, but you have no skills to do it.
Yesterday I helped two students craft a 90% exact and perfect match purpose… they are beautiful.
The missing 10%? I am not sure what is inexact, or missing… yet.
The third person on the call still wants to pursue a degree that she has started, but never really enjoyed… while she has talent and interest in a totally different area… but the fact that she has invested so much energy and maybe even money into this degree, she doesn’t want to abandon it.
She will lie to me that she did, but there is no sense lying to me: I know you are lying. That is one of the curses of being an empath.
I teach crafting a purpose in the integrity workshop.
What does purpose have to do with integrity? A whole lot.
Without a purpose you are floating stork sh!t… storks rarely fly. Mostly they allow the air streams to carry them up and sown. they have a huge wingspan… Anyways, storks poop in the air, and their poop doesn’t fall down on earth, the warm air carries them, because the poop is light. The the poop has not say about where it should be taken.
So without a purpose, a say in the matter where you want to take your life, you are that powerless floating stork sh!t.
So, obviously, living life at random, without purpose, without direction, without rhyme and reason cannot have integrity.
In your purpose statement you set a direction for your life, and then you live with that purpose guiding you, telling you to say yes or no…
- Some people I know have a purpose in life to win every argument… But what if you are alone?
- Some people I know have a purpose to be right every moment of every hour. But life doesn’t work that way, does it?
- Some people have a purpose to be shown attention all the time… but not when they don’t want it… Huh?
Anyway, the Integrity Workshop starts on March 27, and the price will rise every week until then and thereafter.
Go to step 2
