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The ‘hidden’ attitude that eats your lunch. And leaves you clueless as if to what happened
Yesterday I was on a group coaching call where people had a chance to get on the ‘hot seat’, meaning they could lay out their issue and get coaching.
This is a business coaching group I am a part of.
A woman, beautiful, long raven hair asked to be on the hot seat. Spoke of some plans to increase her company’s revenue, and the suggestions came in, flying, from both the coach and the participants.
No one heard, no one saw, no one realized that the woman’s attitude was ‘needy’. Even though her voice, her words told everybody that her current revenue is now not enough to pay all the expenses…
An aside: The three most important needy issues that cross my desk are money, health and love. And none of your efforts can bring any results until you realize that you are needy. And learn how to get out of needy: real or imagined need.
This is how you get into vibrational alignment with what you want. Money, health and love run from needy
So I opened my microphone and suggested that she first handles the need:
I suggested that she increases the revenues from existing clients. That she works on what she has, where she is, so she can get out of needy, the real need. And then she can faces the imaginary need. When she is out of the real need already. But that she asks for help on another coaching call.
I could feel the room (it was zoom call with videos of participants) go cold, and resistant. Resentful.
I was a spoil sport in their eyes.
It is much more fun to play the big project game than making sure that what you have is healthy, and your bills are paid.
Even the leader, who teaches: break the model before you break out of the model… wanted to play. What he means by his slogan: max out your current business. make sure your current business pays all your bills before you add anything fancy, anything extracurricular…
Even he joined into the chorus of suggestions for windfall project ideas.
And the woman, long hair, beautiful, at some point acknowledged my contribution, but misunderstood. She said: I can see that I am in scarcity mode. I need to get into abundance mode.
Ugh, that is not what I said!
You can’t get into abundance mode unless you have actually taken care of what there is to take care of.
Take care of your foundation so you don’t need anything. Instead most people choose only to pretend that they don’t.
Needing, really needing anything, excludes you from abundance.
You have two paths when you are in ‘needy’.
- 1. if it is a made up need, a want, you can admit that you don’t actually need what you say you need, what you feel you need. This way you can let go of it at least temporarily. It’s a want.
- 2. if it is a real need: you need to do what there is to do to fill that need, so it goes away by disappearing.
I have successfully worked my way out from a long stretch of needy.
The need was quite real: I lived from hand to mouth, rent date to rent date.
When I got ready to confront that no one was coming to the rescue, least of all my mother, I got out of needy in a short few months. I just did what I had to do.
Getting out of the needy attitude was harder.
I needed to dig deep to what sentences that attitude was made up of…
What I saw that I said the people owed me a living. I saw that in order to be nice, I did a lot of work for free.
I had to make up some new attitudes:
- No one owes me anything. No smarts, no hard work entitles me to anything. Only the ‘right’ work that gets paid.
- I don’t do any work unless I am paid in advance.
- I don’t do anything for money I wouldn’t do for free (meaning I love it and the money is just gravy).
Those insights got me out of needy attitude.
If you think life, people owe you anything, you will be in needy… so you need to change your mind about much.
Needy, the attitude, will kill your dreams, your happiness, and your integrity. Needy, the attitude is the soil from which poisonous results come from.
The attitude is 90% of your results, while your actions are only 10%.
That is why some people produce more results than you and you don’t understand why and how… because attitude is invisible.
Why is the attitude more important than what you actually do?
In the integrity statement it becomes explicit that all of the actions, doing the right things, doing them in time, doing them well, etc. don’t matter, unless the attitude you do them with is ’empowering’. The context.
What is empowering? you should ask.
This is why any effective leader, salesman, teacher, stops before they do what they do. Before they lead, before they sell, before they teach. They stop and adjust their attitude. If and when they don’t, their results are not forthcoming. The results may be literally toxic and destructive.
Any time you open your mouth to say, to do something check your default attitude at the door.
Any action coming from an attitude that is not empowering to you, is going to be bearing toxic fruit.
One of the most frequent attitudes that go unnoticed and therefore ignored is neediness. We could even call it ‘wantiness’ if there were a word like that in the English language.
One of the most important spiritual (DNA) capacities is the capacity to see that there is no wrong in reality. That things my not work. That you may not like what’s happening. You may not like, enjoy, want something. But that doesn’t make it wrong… it just makes it something you don’t like, you don’t enjoy, you don’t want.
Certain feelings, for example. Certain behavior, yours or others’. Or an attitude…
The spiritual (DNA) capacity is the ‘nothing wrong/nothing to fix’ capacity.
When that capacity is active, the active DNA capacity helps you to see that life is just life, things are just things. Things without meaning. Things without drama. Whether they make you feel better, worse, smart or stupid.
If you see any meaning there: it came from you. You added that. It is not part of the thing.
Things are whatever they are.
In Aristotle’s words, A is A.
But for people who don’t have that capacity active, A is never really A.
- They have that A is not how it should be.
- Or that A is wrong.
- or A shouldn’t be A.
- Maybe that A is better/worse than something else.
Example: I should already know it. But A is that you don’t. Or I should be different. But A is that you are the way you are.
Homo Sapiens, out of the box, cannot see that A is A.
And therefore they spend their life fighting A, trying to fix A, rebelling about A. Resisting A, complaining about A. Suffering about A. Feel resignation about A.
This is why Thoreau said: the masses of humanity live in quiet desperation.
Activating and then practicing the capacity allows you to eventually ALLOW A to be A.
That is a huge step, in evolutionary terms. A huge step towards the Original Design, towards becoming a Human Being. Until then you are a homo sapiens, a lower species. Always upset. Always angry. Never happy.
But seeing is not easy, and seeing is not instant.
Only about 1000 people on earth today have that capacity, have that ability to see A as A, and not as something that should be different.
So their actions can start from reality… and be effective. The rest… the 8 billion is always fixing.
And with the campaigning and the fragmentation of society, it is getting worse.
This is the environment in which I task my people to co-create with the capacity, and learn to see in a new way. Not to think. Thinking doesn’t help.
You can think something that you don’t actually see, and it actually lowers your vibration: you are a liar… You are lying.
If you say A is A because you know I want you to say that, but you don’t SEE it… you are lying and it lowers everything about you. And you’ll also hate yourself.
So your attitude is crucial… and unless you attend to it, the exercise backfires…
So let me get back to attitudes.
I said one of the most frequent attitudes that I see is needy. Needy says: I need to get this right or else I am stupid, or else I am wasting my time, or else I will suffer, etc.
It is subtle, and therefore most people miss it. We could even say, that 99.99% of people miss it, even if they know about needy… even if they know that they tend to have that attitude.
Attitude is your relationship to what you are facing. What’s in front of you.
In the case of my group: your relationship to the exercise. Your relationship to the result you want to produce. Your relationship to the person who asked you to do it. And your relationship to yourself.
In the Bach diagnostic profile, to my surprise, I have seen attitudes I didn’t know were there. Not MY attitudes, the person’s attitudes.
Here is an example: a student of mine who alternates between cocky and flat has an attitude that had been able to remain invisible, yet active, the attitude that ‘I should be perfect‘.
And because he can’t, because there is no such thing. Because perfection is made up, he becomes either delusional and therefore cocky, or deflates, because what a ‘perfect person‘ would be able to get, he didn’t.
Only if and when he starts letting go of the need to be perfect… and can be just normal, will he be able to produce a life he can love.
But to be called normal is an insult for someone who should be perfect… can you see that?
Had you told Jesus, or Mohamed, or their followers that the dude was just a dude, you would offend the followers, and maybe they would kill you… Because to the ‘perfect one‘ and his true believers it’s an insult to be normal.
By the way, soul correction here is very important: some soul corrections want to be more ‘perfect’ than others. It turns out that both my coaches are of the most ‘perfect’ soul correction, and I manage to offend them really fast. Really really fast. And they attack me. Ugh.
When your actions need to prove that you are perfect, then you are angry most of the time. How is that for a life? People are tiptoeing around you afraid of your flair-ups…
No chance for happiness… for you or the people around you.
And in the DNA activation game you will be upset, and more upset, because your numbers don’t agree with your need to be perfect. Quite a double whammy.
Another student, after she saw that her results dropped since the day before, wrote to me complaining that she doesn’t understand how that is possible, as she is doing all the work she knows to do…
I suggested that she finds out her attitude that eats her lunch by asking for her Bach diagnostic profile.
Why didn’t I just tell her? The reason:
- I don’t know. I have to sit with it.. A simple diagnostic like the Bach Profile can take me as long as 30 minutes of sitting in deep contemplation.
Do you want to find out what is the attitude that prevents your actions from being effective in life, and producing the results you hoped to produce? In money, health, love, fulfillment?
The Bach diagnostic profile is a great way to find out. I know you think you already know… but it is more likely that you don’t… If you did, you would be out there producing the results you want… You would not be reading this article, no results.
Find out what you are up against…We did some of that work in the Attitudes workshop on July 29… yesterday. You can get the recordings if you want.
I am also thinking of teaching this in an upcoming challenge… because this is probably the hardest thing for a homo sapiens to learn.
