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‘There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back,’ wrote author Charles de Lint. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, your heart will encounter far more of the latter than the former types of people in 2020. There may be one wrangler who tries to take the heart out of you, but there will be an array of nurturers who will strive to keep the heart in you — as well as boosters and builders who will add even more heart.’ my horoscope by Rob Brezsny came in the mail today.
It’s been hard to be me.
As usual, to facilitate finding the path for my students and clients, I had to enter the same highly unpleasant state, maybe even the same vibrational level where they live, and see what’s going on there, what gets missed, overlooked, or not even seen by my students and clients. (if you think I am complaining… then you see yourself… I only complain to those who can do something about it… They call that committed complaint… yeah… baaaaaaah…)
I look back to see that I went through this process in my own evolution in 1992-1995, when my mother visited and afterwards. I got hit with a sudden, unexpected ‘no matter what i do, my mother will never see me as valuable, or even as a person’. I am even tearing up now, after 27 years, very funny, very not funny.
Anyway, I got deadly ill after my mother left. She was here for three weeks. I guess I got so ill because it wasn’t worth living if no matter what I did it didn’t make my mother see me, like me, love me.
I don’t wish those years onto my enemies. Then in 1995 my mother died, and I managed to get a new perspective, a perspective in which her approval, her love, her noticing me didn’t matter in the least. She was there, I was here, and I was an individual, independent of her opinion or feelings about me.
I know, I know, it took three and a half years. Yeah, it did. In my life everything takes three and a half years… (ask me about the cycles… it’s an interesting theory)
I did not get guidance, did not have anyone to spot me. I didn’t have anyone who I could turn to.
I was participating in Landmark Education, but truth be told, Landmark Education and its participants, its coaches, are little robots, going through the motion, hoping that no one sees that they are not up there, hoping that none of the misery sticks to them.
I, on the other hand, an immersion type of coach, and that type of coaching is what would have helped me sail through that phase back in 1992… but I didn’t have a coach like that.
So now that my students in the Playground are in ‘my 1992’ phase, the job is cut out for me to take them through the first ‘Great Divide’… past this first ‘boulder’… as fast as i can, so they don’t have to get sick, don’t have to spend three years in hopeless misery, like I did.
I added the H.O.E., aptly named Heaven on Earth to the Big Bundle, about a week ago. And I re-recorded it this morning so it is just as potent but less annoying… I’ll send it out to you in email if you are in the Playground, if you are not, I’ll replace the annoying recording with the new on in your account in the activators part of my site.
Here is the email I sent out to the students that have upgraded to the new version of the Big Bundle:
Here is the newest version of the Big Big Bundle
it is not as annoying as the original, and a whole lot less annoying than the one I made a few days ago.
I can see that I will be able to sleep with this.
NOW, if you haven’t been using the HOE in a while, it will give you some symptoms for a few days, headache, flu-like symptoms, moodiness, impatience, whatever sh*t is hiding in the tall grass.
Be gentle on yourself…
Given that 70% of you have the ‘no matter what I do’ energy, you may experience despair for a few days. Ride it out. It will get better. It is the first clash of the titans… so to say.
It is giving me shortness of breath and a slight headache… I guess it is ‘Star of Bethlehem’ that was hiding.
I love you guys. I am right there with you.’
What I am asking of people is ‘superhuman’… being able step over your shadow. Doesn’t even look possible, does it? It seems to defy the laws of physics. But your shadow is not physical, and the laws of physics don’t apply.
So you need to put your pedestrian thinking aside… and let the energies in the HOE and the energies in the Big Bundle wake you up to see the sh*t that hides in the tall grass. Maybe even step in it, so you can really see it, smell it, and say ‘no, thank you’ to it.
Yesterday I was sharing my recent experience of not being liked with one of my students. And I saw that I turned a want into a demanding need… in my case, to be liked, accepted, maybe even celebrated.
It’s been around for a long time.
I remember when I was a magazine publisher, loved, cheered on, celebrated by thousands of my readers. But other people related to me differently, related to my accent, my clothing, my behavior, not to who I am. The WHO.
Just like my mother…
In fact, it is possible that this was the linchpin issue in my life: I wanted to be judged by the intrinsic, the who, and, of course, I was ALWAYS judged by the what. What I did, how I did it, how annoying I was… lol.
I think that I wanted to rub people the wrong way, so they can dislike me… and I can be right about my linchpin issue: nobody likes me. or alternatively, same thing different wording: ‘I am on borrowed time’
I see that many of my students will recognize themselves in my CASE…
Case is another name for your linchpin issue.
Where we are now is causing your linchpin issue, your case to shrink to the degree that it won’t block your view of the next boulder.
Can you disappear your CASE? No. It is part of the machine you are… But you can weaken it, and you can get really good at recognizing it.
Knowing that the actual mechanism is having made a want into a need.
If you haven’t listened to/read the book The Art of Hunting Humans a few times, (it’s taken me three full listening to catch 70% of the book. My #24. the percentage of input that gets through to you is 60%, because I always listen fully… Yours, judging from the measurements I am looking at, is between 1% and 10%, with rare exception… namely three women I measured in the last month had a lot higher number, but they are not students… maybe I am attracting a better prepared clientele lately.
So if it took me listening three times, it may take you 10 or more.
Takes too much time? I listened to the 6-hour audio one hour or less at a time, when walking, cooking, etc. So it took me a week each time.
I have a version that has the big bundle in the background, so you can let the brain multitask.
The secret is to find what it says about YOU.
Listening for more than an hour is counter productive: the material is heavy duty, and needs digestion. Listening for more than an hour is like eating two meals, hoping that it’s good for you. It causes indigestion…
A lot of you are just like me.
As a child you wanted, for example, attention. You asked for it the wrong way. An obnoxious way. You didn’t get the attention you wanted. You kept on doing that ineffective, obnoxious move, and it never worked… it got you only grief.
Hey, stupid as the stupid does: you upped the ante… you turned into a need… Now I must have it or I’ll die! and have been doing it every since.
If you don’t recognize yourself, then you may not have enough self-awareness.
I’ll list the obnoxious behaviors:
- start out on your own, only to find out that you are on the wrong track
talk and act like a dramatic actress - talk with cocksure-ness when you have no idea what you are talking about
- call attention on yourself and then babble, incoherently, hoping that it fills your attention ‘need’
- get really angry, stark mad angry
- produce something diligently, never asking for the acknowledgment you crave
this above applies to two people in my Playground - do some heroic sacrifice…
- demand to be treated in a certain way or you’ll get angry
- try to please everyone, try to make everyone like you, while you can’t like yourself… you are a whore
- be overly sweet, or alternatively defiant, like me or f… off.
- One last student: I haven’t figured him out yet.
So you see, how you go about getting the want turned into need, your own obnoxious, ineffective way, is as varied as people are.
Look for what is not well received about you… or what it is that you use habitually that doesn’t get you what you want… it only gets you grief, disapproval, or worse.
Giving up a behavior you have pursued since you were little is not without challenges.
I hate to think of not being a class clown, of not using curse words when it shocks people, of not talking out of turn, of not attracting attention to myself…
One possibility is to do that without expecting to get what it is ‘designed’ to do: considering me intrinsically, instead of the things I do. Then I can have fun with it.
After all there is a clash between the two… who am I kidding?!
And who are you kidding? Only yourself.
