“If you want to emasculate a guy friend, when you’re at a restaurant, ask him everything that he’s going to order, and then when the waitress comes … order for him.” It’s funny because it shouldn’t be that easy to rob a man of his masculinity — but it is.
I am doing good work with the participants of my accountability program. 1
One of the things that have been coming up is this: what did it do to you to be influenced more by your mother than your father?
Don’t be mistaken: man and woman, boy and girl, father and mother are different beings… almost as different as if they were two different species. And it should be.
Now, I admit that our “civilized” world makes the two roles more similar looking, but just like in eating, what works best for you is eating according to your DNA, the same is true about gender behavior.
Men and women look at the world differently. Men come from strength (naturally) while women come from weakness, pretense, meekness, and attraction/catching/manipulating.
Two different approaches to life, and unless a boy has access to their own, unless a boy has permission to be a boy, they will develop a man-looking woman… and that is a sorry sight.
Feet stomping sissy boy.
In the Reclaim program one of the challenges is to design life, design your relationship, your attitude to things so that you come from your strengths.
For a man this would be natural… after all they are groomed to come from their strengths, to increase their strengths, not only physical, but all around.
For a girl that requirement is weird. They were never told anything about strengths… so it is a learning process, a coming to age process.
But in my program, to my amazement, every single participant is a little girls wondering about strength.
I was neglected by my mother, and I paid attention to my father more.
I evolved just the opposite way than my students: I am not a girlie girl… I know my strengths, and I know what I want. I don’t play games, and don’t apologize for my unfair advantage: knowledge, expertise, maybe even occasional brilliance.
It is becoming increasingly important to me to do work with my people that turns boys to boys and girls to girls.
Honestly, I have no clear idea how… in fact I have no idea how.
One experiment we are in the middle of: boys need to read boy-literature: it is needed for their healthy inner evolution into men.
Luckily that the only literature I like, so the books I read are perfect for my “boys”: they are starting to see what inspires them, what they resonate with and what they don’t.
Knowing yourself for “who” you are is one of the most important things in life, if you want a chance for a life where you feel whole and complete.
Almost all the male achievers I have ever observed, they are clearer than the general population, by far, about who they are. the same cannot be said about the female achievers.
Achievement, the way we mean it nowadays, isn’t the feminine way…
But there is a feminine way to succeed… lots of books I haven’t read teach you that. Women who widowed with lots of kids, etc. grew to the challenge, and achieved the way a woman achieves.
But most of our parents weren’t achievers… achievers are rare, because achieving needs you to have initiative, vision, and the willingness to be guided by some purpose larger than yourself… mostly a principle.
If you look at yourself: that is not you. And you had no one to learn from, no one to emulate, and it is not one of those things that you can invent from thin air.
You learn it. From stories, from people to model after, from maybe historical figures. Poetry, good poetry puts you in touch with the inner world of exceptional people.
Truth be told, there is no English language poetry I resonate with, maybe with the exception of Rudyard Kipling’s poem to his son.
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
Kipling is another author whose writing mainly resonates with boys. As is Jack London. As is Neal Stephenson.
I think this is the first step: to learn the language of boys, and to learn what your “soul” resonates with.
And women? Well, I think about that… I am certain they are off the natural path too.
Good reading I found while I was looking for pictures for this article.
Just for your information: I do not “research” what other people say… that would make me a second-hander. I write what is true for me… my experience with the subject matter…
Boys to Men: Teaching and Learning About Masculinity in an Age of Change
- People post optimally twice a day: first when they promise what the four tasks they will accomplish that day, and second when they come back to report if they did the tasks or not. I take an active role… give feedback, guidance, and share my own challenges with the intention to teach.
Read it and let us all know, OK, Sandra?
I just got the book “Women who run with the wolves” as a present. Maybe that could be helpful? I haven’t read it yet.