We are judged all the time. Justly, unjustly, the feeling of being judged is familiar to all of us… and some of us is bothered and paralyzed by it more than others.
What’s painful in being judged is that the judgment contains a kernel of truth (or more) and the other part is the judging themselves: in judging they place themselves above us… simply unbearable to the sensitive Precious I.
This story is about my very recent “bout” with being judged… and shows what is on the other side of judgment… how to free yourself from it so it doesn’t sting quite that much… maybe not even at all.
OK, here we go:
If you’ve known me for a while, you know that I don’t do housework, or really shamefully little.
I was always like this… and was beaten, punished, shamed for it, but the leopard doesn’t change its spots… so I am just like I was as a kid. Whether this had anything to do with being called a Dirty Jew, of feeling dirty from sexual abuse… I don’t know and I don’t care.
This is reality. The other day I found a mug at the grocery store saying: A woman’s work is never done, so why start? And I laughed and I laughed, with tears streaming down my face. I shared it with a student, and she suddenly had contempt for me… It must have always been there… she superior because she cleans and accomplishes little else in her life, and me inferior because I don’t clean but have done more than most people in several lifetimes.
Anyway, obviously it still stings… that judgment.
But the most recent incident was yesterday.
About two weeks ago my refrigerator stopped working. I was careless and pre-occupied, and managed to eat something that turned out to be a potent toxin.
Now I had a combination of troubles: no food, no strength, and no skills to clean the house.
The refrigerator rallied and came back to life for a week, then gently died again.
So yesterday my landlady came to investigate. And, of course, my place is in shambles, the refrigerator was full of rotting stuff… nothing to be proud of… lol.
This morning I found an email from the landlady in my inbox telling me to empty the refrigerator into the three bags she left for me by the door, so all that gook doesn’t spill on the floor.
Yesterday she showed no sign of seeing anything off, anything unseemly, but she did. And I felt judged. And the argument in my head began: excuses, reasons, comparisons… you are probably more familiar with it than I am…
It took about four minutes. Then I had an insight: she did what I always hoped someone would do: hold my hand and show me what to do. I felt myself filled with gratitude. Thank you Rebecca.
I then did exactly what she told me to do. And now it’s done.
I am still a slob, but whatever she showed me by directing my attention is done.
OK, what can you learn from this?
The habit to ruminate, chew and re-chew again the hurt, the slight, who is better, why they are wrong, why they are right… is a really bad habit.
If you want to be truthful with yourself, you do this, most days, all day and maybe all night.
There are may ways to arrest this stream of self-harming thoughts, and I used gratitude to do it. I made Rebecca right without making myself wrong. And I gratefully accepted her guidance.
Did she need any more credentials to be “mother” or parent in helping me through this hump? No. Me having more schooling, more knowledge, higher vibration wasn’t helping me, but what she said did.
Now, whether I’ll have a new refrigerator or a repaired refrigerator, is still up in the air. But I am well, And I am having an experience of myself that is something of an amazement… I did it.
One of the reasons I have lived in this apartment for so long (13 years) because I could not see that I can physically manage moving. Now I see I can. Hm. Maybe this was a guidance event to show me I can.
Oh, here is a good TED talk somewhat related:
