You are hobbled. You hobbled yourself by what others think you should do. Hobbled yourself by wanting to be loved. Hobbled yourself by the ‘right thing’ to do, the ‘right thing’ to say, the ‘right way’ to be…
In the workshop: From Upsets to communication… I needed to deal with lots of upsets coming from a student. She felt hurt by my treatment of her. And I was pondering.
She is kinesthetic… acting as if she were brainy/abstract.
There are four primary ways a person can learn and relate to the world: 1. visual 2. auditory 3. kinesthetic, and 4. abstract
These ways are not exclusive, and everyone has a mix of it. But there is one or sometimes two dominant ways, and the difference is: what organ, what sense informs the person on how to act. What to do.
Kinesthetic people feel first. And depending on your early decisions, your early hurts, you may make big mistakes in your interpretation. Because of the similarity how the hurt FEELS.
This is, by the way, our focus in the upset process we started in the feelings webinars.
The goal is to disengage, invalidate, neutralize the decisions we made from those early hurts…
…so we can judge the world rightly after we return to innocence, instead of repeating the same incident and the same emotion, endlessly.
She acts very quickly on what she thinks I am saying. And she is reacting very harshly. She reacts as if my words were what her life depended on.
She is relating to me as the force that is forcing her to be different than she is.
I am using her example, because it is so obvious. I also appreciate her and her courage to confront her demons.
Being free to be yourself is the most valuable and precious way to live… and it is rare.
You feel like you need to be someone other than yourself to be loved, to be appreciated, to be valued, to be noticed, to be paid attention.
You decide that you need to be smarter, prettier, richer. And you start pretending. You blame this on them, but it is you who made the decision. With each decision you cut your nose in spite of your face… You become less you.
When I ask you to describe yourself with three words, your description are adjectives… born at a time of upset…
This is how these decisions are born:
You find yourself in a situation where you come up short… you are not enough for something. You are not a match to a situation. You are not funny enough, courageous enough, smart enough, independent enough… But with some behavior you take the edge off, you survive. And to your detriment, you decide that that is the way to win in life.
This is how funnymen are born.
This is how smart people are born.
This is how independent people are born.
This is how nice people are born.
This is how pretending to be weak and vulnerable is born.
There are as many ways as many adjectives in a language
That adjective is a hobble.
You designed it to be accepted. To win. To survive. But it is a way that takes you away from being you. A horrible limitation.
Because what you can’t have, when you have all those ‘winning traits’ is you can’t be yourself. You can’t be FREE to be yourself. What that is? You don’t even know… but it’s a feeling… and you know that you aren’t.
Humans create quite a few of those hobbles… We created the to please or appease the others… And to survive some situation.
I can see that unless you stop trying to please the other, you will never have a Self… and your Self is tied up in the roles and traits you invented… So the first thing to get rid of is those hobbles, those limiting roles and traits. Slowly. Gently.
You are not supposed to be anything
It is OK to be yourself. I know it is frightening, because you don’t know how to just BE… how to just be yourself.
This is why most people when they come to a call with me have horrible anxiety and fear…
You know how to be smart, stupid, hapless, bombastic, proud, enthusiastic, holier than thou, sensitive, angry, upset… but to just be: that you don’t know how to be.
So it is going to be a learning curve. But you can do it.
It is possible to give up your dependence on what you think others want you to be and start to live an authentic life.
Every person has to deal with this… and it is hard for everybody.
My students in my coaching program are afraid to not be who I want them to be. For them, it seems, I force them to be something they aren’t. But it’s not me… it is them. It’s been going on ever since their first upset in life.
They are not even trying to please me… They are trying to please the ‘force’… Something outside of themselves.
Example: When you say: the purpose of life is to have a purpose, you sound like trying to please the ‘force’. As if having a purpose were good, and mandatory and not having a purpose were WRONG. Same with being smart, being quick, saying the right words, doing the right thing, reading the right books, etc.
But that ‘force’ is outside of you. Having a life about pleasing outside force makes your life shaky and unfulfilling.
You make yourself depend on something that you can’t control. Your hang your whole being on that: your self-respect, your happiness, your actions.
I don’t mean for you not to interact with the outside world. I don’t mean for you not to be interested, get all the information and impressions. I mean don’t hang your purpose on an outside factor or result or opinion.
It makes you outcome dependent… and that is the surest way to be miserable.
You see, if you made the purpose of your life to live life well… life lived well, life would change for you. That purpose is a moment to moment purpose, and it is a purpose that works when things go well, and when things go poorly. And only you are the judge. It’s between you and you. It is integrity.
And that is the kind of purpose, that doesn’t depend on anything outside of you, that is the right kind of purpose, because it is constant and always redirecting you to live by it.
Try that on.
And having that purpose you are the judge for everything you do. I may give you feedback, I may nudge you, but YOU be the JUDGE… Pleasing me or any other force will not make you happy. Making yourself happy… yeah, that will.
With regards to the upset webinars… I see they are really needed. I see the changes in people… even though some are stuck more than before. It’s temporary. It is par for the course.
For now, I am taking the process to its conclusion, and into a communication course.
Once it is ready.
But in the meantime you can just get a dribble of wisdom here and there… a webinar, a call recording, a book… Something I only give people who sign up to get notification when the Communication Course is ready…
- So they can live and be free to themselves. To produce results above and beyond they are able to produce without communication.
- To experience a whole new level of power and effectiveness to create and cause what they intend, including in those situations where communication was previously ineffective.
- To find themselves able to create or restore love and affinity with the people in their lives, at any time and under any circumstance.
- To discover a new way of listening that allows them to be in communication in any conversation, about any subject with freedom and ease.
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