We all have it.
Mine is devastation. It pops up when it’s most unexpected. Devastation is between grief and terror… squeezes a tiny drop of tear in my eye, no matter where I am, who I am with, when it hits. 1
It comes up often when I compliment someone.
The other day I sent out an email. I ended with a sentence: “I love working with you.”
Most people just ignored it as social grease.
Two people cried.
One person was pierced by it… dumbfounded why.
If someone told me they loved me (and the feeling matched their words) I would, most likely, burst out crying. The devastation, my home page, was my reaction to not being loved, to not being wanted. Of not believing that anyone would love me for me.
It will never stop hurting. I think this was the main reason I aspired to the spirit flying, I aspired to go all the way to the top, where I can be alone. No one to love me, no one to not love me. Normal human reaction. Like the black bear on the top of the pine tree in my collage… Alone, having chosen it.
It’s not the same as depression, or even being sad. It can become sadness, or depression… if you resist the homepage feeling or if you indulge it.
If I wanted to fix this feeling, that I will never be loved, as I have in the past, it would turn into the cycle of hope and hopelessness… opening myself up to a lot of hurt, betrayal, being used. An oscillating structure… a wheel up and a wheel down… a binary structure, like most people I know.
Instead, I consider it the weather… actually a little better… weather sometimes gives you weeks of sweltering heat, or pouring rain, or arctic cold.
The devastation is just a few minutes… then it’s gone, if you don’t resist it.
Yesterday I watched a Netflix series, and was hit by the experience of being an underdog… At the mercy of the big dogs… mother, father, bosses, government…
Other times it is regret and sadness… same Netflix series… something done, not correctable.
Grief over loss… The loss of someone, loss of something, but most importantly, loss of a sense that the world is fair, that you are safe, that you are wanted, loved, and OK.
Your homepage is a feeling, that, like an echo, like a shadow, follows you till you die. You can’t fix it, you need to turn it into an ally.
You can… if your spouse agrees.
I have observed that you marry the person whose soul correction and homepage best matches your own.
And then you are locked in step… neither will grow.
Of all my students, about 20% of them live in a marriage. These students struggle most to sustain any growth. Same is true for people who still live with their parents… by the way.
Why is that? Because marrying the person whose soul correction will compensate your own, is somewhat unwholesome, and if the marriage works, it creates a homeostasis… a workable union, that has a lower vibration than the individuals’ of the coupling.
I am not opposing marriage, I am opposing the tepid waters of no growth…
But please forgive me… Growth, human evolution is not just my purpose, it is also my agenda… lol. Not so secret agenda… This is my militant side… lol
What is your homepage? It is similar but not the same as your doom… And it is not the same as your dominant belief. It’s a feeling that is very familiar to you.
Any ideas?
Please share below… it’s OK to be anonymous.
By the way, it is clearly visible in your Bach Profile…
But it all begins with the awareness.
You can’t catch what you can’t see. Can you? Go see the whole article with all the Bach Energies here
Regularly this profile is $35, but for the readers of this article, I’ll do it for $25.
What can you do with this information… meaning the Bach Profile?
Awareness is king… once you are aware, like I became, that I have this tendency to fly into hopeless resignation, I can get out of that predictable feeling by knowing that it is not a good place for me to be.
Here, I am teaching you something I have seen in the Playground partner calls as universally missing: feelings are feelings. They become a prison, when the meaning is attached to them.
The meaning is not the name of the feeling, the meaning is what comes after “therefore”
My example: I feel devastated, therefore I should kill myself
Frequent example from students: I feel tired… therefore I am entitled to spend the next 5-6 hours watching television, youtube videos, or play computer games.
Therefore isn’t part of the feeling. It is made up. YOU made it up, maybe with society’s help, but it is made up, nevertheless.
A feeling is just a feeling. Doesn’t mean anything. All the meaning is added, and what destroys your life, your hopes, dreams and aspirations, is taking the meaning as gospel.
You can be tired and do what you need to do. You can be discouraged and continue doing what isn’t working out. You can be lazy and no one would know that about you, because you are in action about what you said was important to you.
So the enemy is not the feeling… it is the “therefore”.
One of my students has a belligerent, I don’t want to homepage. Thus far he has made an oscillating structure out of it: half the time he acts on it, eats himself to sickness, refuses to drink his energized water, sleeps late, refuses to do his homework.
Other times he doesn’t. He is actually dutiful. Homework attitude. Trying to redeem himself.
The only thing that is missing is freedom, joy, breathing, flow, life.
Oscillating between belligerent/I don’t wanna and dutiful, dull, obedient, and hating it.
He hasn’t seen the ‘therefore’… and neither have the other students, or you.
So here you go. You learned something new from the Invisible Dynamics of the human condition.
- I have revised the wording: it is more like discouragements, loss of hope, loss of a future… but not less damaging.
Well, I guess it includes paying, lol
I’m not any good at it, so why bother. Someone else will do it much better (for me).
ugh… lol… unless, of course, you have to pay for it, right?
wow, that makes it all come together, doesn’t it?
I am not loving, I am not lovable, I will let you down
I used to be 100% like that, and even now the thoughts come up.
But I don’t act on them. I wait. I feel. In my body. I sit down and ponder if the statement “It ain’t necessarily so” could be true.
I haven’t quit anything for a few years now… except walking. And some things, even now, look impossible. But I know I am not seeing something, so I keep looking and continuing the actions that look hopeless.
“I can’t. I give up. It’s over”
ok. limbo. got it.
Numbness. Disconnection. Dwelling the the space between my life force and being able to bring that into expressin in the world. That limbo. That “Why bother?” feeling. ( One side is sadness at the missing connection, the other side is a dismissive arrogance.)