Today I woke up to trouble all around.
My favorite niece died and my checking account is overdrawn.
I know, I know, how can I put something so significant and something so mundane in the same sentence? I see your point. And yet, they happened on the same morning, and both hurt.
I went through many phases of grieving, disbelief, denial, anger, blame, depression… I know there are at least seven predictable phases, who cares.
What do you do when someone dies, someone who you loved, even if you haven’t spoken with her since she was six years old?
Really? And which “you” do I mean?
You may, like I am, flip-flopping back and forth between being in the middle of the drama, and observing the drama AND the drama self.
This is an excellent opportunity to learn about yourself, to learn about “human” and its concerns.
The biggest fear is that you don’t care… That unless you carry on, cry, occupy all your thoughts with the deceised, you say that you are an uncaring, selfish person, and therefore YOU should die…
So you augment the actions that you deem caring… the pain, the thinking, the blame, the anger.
You can do this for days, for weeks, for months.
You can watch and observe yourself looking if their faulty gene is in you, did it come from your side of the family, if it says that you’ll die soon. The secret drama: am I to die soon too?
You can observe yourself thinking: what is her epitaph, the few words that sum up her life?
According to my brother, her father, she bore her illness with patience, selflessness and heroism.
When my mother died, 20 years ago, my biggest regret was that I wasn’t there, wasn’t allowed to help. I knew I could. And I know I could have… should have… there is your life.
Observe the regret. Observe what you have as an excuse. Who do you blame that you didn’t?
Others? Circumstances? Yourself? Will it make a difference? Or will you continue doing and being busy with insignificant stuff, stuff that won’t alter what is your epitaph going to be?
I think that if I could cause people to look at their epitaph frequently enough, and look at it as work in progress, they would allow a lot of stuff to drop, and start doing the meaningful stuff, the eternal, the stuff that you can take with you.
I don’t know if I believe in reincarnation. I really think that it is not a good idea: look what it has done to billions of people.
And I don’t know if I believe in heaven and hell: look what it has done to billions of people.
But I do believe in a life well lived, an opportunity well used, a life used for growing upward, like a tree… not sideways, not horizontally, like a nuisance, like a weed, like a trespasser.
Vertically, into the heights from where you can see past, present and future all together, and where drama therefore ceises to exist. Where joy can live, where nothing is too significant, and nothing is insignificant.
Where it is not the other that defines you, not society, not even your ego that tells you who you are, whether you are worthy, whether you are worthless…
Just by virtue of being on the vertical, having a higher consciousness, you are worthy and your actions are consistent with that.
For me, having cracked the mites issue (I have! Yaay!) is probably my biggest contribution. Waking people up to the fact that their body is being used by uninvited guests that cause illnesses and even kill them is just that: waking people up.
All the spiritual reasons to wake up have fallen on deaf ears and blind eyes throughout time… None of the sages woke anyone up.
Maybe a hard to see, near microscopic threat to your life will wake you up! Being awake is being awake.
And maybe I can start planning my epitaph: “woke up humanity.” I have always wanted to be significant.
If you’d like to vote with your purse… Would you, please, contribute to the good fight and my checking account? Just a few dollars… if many of you would. Or buy the mite-report (inside a membership site) if you prefer.
If you want to make your donation a monthly thing, then please click inside the box called “Make This Recurring (Monthly)”. I thank you very much. Your contribution to the good fight is appreciated.
I thought you would be able to get the brilliance in that. Yeah, wallowing doesn’t do anyone any good. xoxo
it was sooo cliche… I could not sleep for four nights in a row… and then bam… the population dropped to a manageable size, and last night I slept a little… I think I went into a fear spiral: afraid to fall asleep… It will pass, but for now, that is the case.
I’m so sorry about your niece dying. I never know what to say in these situations – the words are inadequate.
Thank you for what you said about observing your thoughts and emotions and learning about yourself as you react to your niece’s death. That’s something I need. My mother died last year and I still find myself falling into grieving at times. If I start taking it as an opportunity to observe and learn more about myself, I’ll get something worthwhile out of it instead of just wallowing in the drama.
That’s fantastic news about cracking the mites issue!