I am afraid of ridicule. I am afraid of being thrown out. I am afraid of being called a witch.
Yup, fear is normal. You, me, would not have survived without fear.
I am also afraid of bugs. Of mice. Of a lot of things.
The question is: am I going to honor that fear as my “Higher power” or am I going to honor something else?
When I was in ACOA and Emotions Anonymous, I picked, for my higher power, “Whatever Works.”
And whatever works is what give ME the power instead of what wants to grab it.
The first step in every 12-step program is to declare that you are powerless in the face of, or over the thing your 12-step program is about: drugs, alcohol, anger… overeating, whatever.
In ACOA, the children of alcoholics are powerless over the alcohol habit of the parent. But ACOA is also for dysfunctional families’ children, like myself, and there, what you are powerless over is what other people are doing or saying… to you or to each other.
That was a big discovery for me, because I always suffered from how other people treated me… but not since. I realized that I can be responsible for what I say, for what I do, and for how I react to others. And that was my “Whatever works”… taking responsibility for what I had power over.
Nothing, not a thing, outside of myself.
And although fear didn’t go away, my behavior changed. I now tackle projects with stuff I am afraid of… bugs, mice, pain… and I am also willing to take on projects where I may be called a witch, be ridiculed, or thrown out… because I am only responsible for what I do, what I say, and how I react to what others are doing.
And these are also within my choice… that is how you know you have power over them. You don’t have to…
Standing out always lived for me as sticking out like a sore thumb… inviting hurt. But, if it is part of a larger project, then hurt is just part of the journey, and I choose to say that, instead of using it to stop myself.
I have matured a lot since I were in ACOA and Emotions Anonymous… I am proud of myself.
This new paradigm, responsibility, allowed me to become me, to pursue what’s important to me, and to have fear… while fear doesn’t have me.
Now, what about those witch hunters? lol…
