Lots of people, women and men, have a feeling that they are just placeholders or commodities for their friends or lovers.
Even coaches and gurus can have that feeling: actually this is what lead me to start this article.
Whenever I have a question about someone, or have time, I look up the online profiles of people that want to become a student of mine.
So I looked up someone today who has been a student, on and off for about two years now. I have had mixed feeling about her, so I looked her up.
This is what I found: she follows, publicly, 8-9 spiritual teachers… I am not one of them.
I feel used… it is like we are the kind of lovers that never go out in public, no one knows we are a couple… it is hush hush, something to be ashamed of.
I feel like a towel: taken out of the cupboard when needed, and then thrown into the wash.
I don’t feel like a cherished teacher… I feel like a commodity.
All my life I wanted to be loved for me… not for what I give… and then, enter the machine, of course I am a giver, not someone to love. And yet… it hurts.
Now, let’s look at your relationships: how many of those are with you for you, and how many of those are with your for the goodies they get, the answers, the gifts, the time spent…?
Look at all your relationships, not just the serious ones… Because I’d like you to start seeing something: it is not them, it is you.
I also want you to notice, that in “real” relationships you are puzzled why they are with you. I have had this response when I asked this same question on coaching calls.
Start asking probing questions:
What do I think is wrong with me, that I am trying to overcome by giving too much? Laughing too readily? Being funny, kind, sexy, accommodating, helpful, knowing the answers, a party starter, brilliant… etc.?
Remember that unless we get to your “itch”, or “the pebble in your shoes”, and own it, be responsible for it, embrace it, and maybe even use it as an energy source, life will play out the same script… and there will be nothing we can do about it?
No exceptions!
Once you find it, put it in the comments below. You can comment anonymously, just put anon instead of your name. Do not make up email addresses: I’ll put your answer in spam if you do.
What is my itch or pebble? It is “worthless”.
And the more I give, the more value (worth) I give, the more worthless me, myself, become.
That is the fundamental dynamic of the machine… unless you know it, it is running the show that your life is. And by knowing I don’t mean “I know about it”, “I remember”, or “I have been told”… know it intimately, the way “know” is used in the Bible… penetrated, owned, as intimately as in making love to it. “I make you mine” way of knowing.
Knowing about anything is about as valuable to you as knowing all the diet truths/myths have been… nothing happened as a result. You are still feeble, tired, insomniac, ADD, scattered, and maybe fat, sluggish, and heading to an early grave.
It truly is painful discovering those “bad, evil, nasty” things about myself, but mixed with the pain is the surprise and delight of seeing a truth that I hadn’t seen before and I like that part.
It has been looking to me like sometimes you coach me as if you’re by my side, guiding me to see the truth, which sessions I love, and sometimes you coach me as if you’re an adversary, hitting me with the truth, which sessions I run away from. But what if you’re actually always by my side and the difference in my experience is caused by the context that I’m choosing for that session? What a completely different view! Then I’m the one making me run away! What fun!
yes
good catch Kathryn, I looked at your facebook page.
There is one thing I’d like you to ponder. Read the second paragraph of your comment, and consider that talking to me represents looking at what is hard to look at, instead of making me or my sharp way of communicating the reason you lick your wounds.
There is no not painful way to do what I do. And every surgeon could say the same thing. It hurts because it hurts, not because of what I said or did.
If you leave it buried your life will remain s-h-i-t. And that would be such a waste, my friend.
I don’t know if I’m the student you’re referring to at the beginning of this article, but I looked at my Facebook page tonight and it could match the description you gave. If I am the one, there is more to see. I haven’t been on Facebook in a long time because I had completely lost interest in it, and you are the reason I lost interest. Out of curiosity, I looked at my activity feed this evening and found I had not even logged onto Facebook since back in July when I had my breakthrough in the Instant Coherence webinar. Since then, I’ve had no interest in Facebook or the “gurus” that I had friended in years past. Since then, I removed myself from the email lists of most of them and quit reading their Facebook posts and quit tuning in to their appearances on telesummits. I haven’t paid enough attention to Facebook to realize they were still friended. So their being friended and your not just reflects my complete lack of interest in and neglect of Facebook. Facebook doesn’t reflect what is important to me now.
For me, you are the one who gets results. The “gurus” didn’t. I do value and cherish you. I keep running away periodically because I have an extremely difficult time dealing with your direct, sharp way of communicating and coaching. But that doesn’t mean you’re not valued and cherished. I run away and lick my wounds and during that time I work with what you uncovered and incorporate it into my life. And then, once I feel strong enough to interact with you again, I come back.
When I first read your answer, it bothered me. But I’ve learned that when you tell me something, there’s gold to be found in following up on what you say. So I started digging into the main incidents that I thought were telling me I’m not good enough and, yes, you are right, there’s something much stronger buried deep down in there. Just in beginning to look, I started sobbing racking sobs. I don’t know what it is – I quit because I need to be interacting with other people for the next few hours. When I get alone time later tonight I’m going to go back to digging. But this feels like it may be something I’ll need coaching to get to the bottom of.
Good work Kathryn. And if you need coaching, I am here.
Sobbing is always a good indicator… by the way. It hurts… that is where the energy comes from.
that fell flat… no energy in it. I don’t think so, Kathryn. I think it is much stronger than “not good enough”…
Mine is: Not good enough. And not just not good enough for other people, I even keep judging myself as not good enough for me.
Thank you! Also, it would be great if you would do a reality check with me in private.
Thank you Sophie! I look forward to joining once you have the course ready.
I’m here so that I can experience and expand my being. Your articles have helped bring insights that has been far greater than I ever thought. Thank you for creating these amazing articles.
didn’t I say “in private?”
Thank you Sophie. I understand the invention of the horizon/ meaning principle but I’m not clear on how powering my energy source itch ‘ I am bad’ is going to help me accomplish big things as you wrote. Do I create a horizon and anytime I run into blocks, I learn to recognize that it’s my itch and let it go?
I would like to join one of your advance course so I can learn how to use my energy source positively if you think that my vibration has improved.
How do I use this energy source to accomplish big things ?
Yes, you are correct. I don’t fully give myself as I also go into protection mode.
Thank you for clarifying. Then I would pick the first one ‘ I am bad’ which has been running the machine. I believe that this all boils down to wanting to be accepted for who I truly am (warts and all as the saying goes 🙂 ) and not what I need to be for others, or to get their approvals.
thank you Peacock.
It’s rare for someone to get useful being or doing from an article… so I’ll do some reality check with you later… maybe in private?
By the way, there was a period when I lived by the possibility of being peacock: eating poison and transmuting it into beauty. I think I am not off when I say that it left a lasting imprint on my being, and the articles are a direct result from that. The fact that you renamed yourself as peacock tells me more about you than many of your words. Congratulations.
I would say that it’s probably ‘I am not worthy and a bad person’ . I would have to give all of me for someone to spend time with me or love me. That I have to DO something to receive.
I’ll send you an invite… at the moment I am between courses…
you will need to experience. If it were possible to cause it for you: to write down, explain, and for you to understand and experience it, I would. After all I am willing to give anything away. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem to work that way. In fact, understanding it hinders and maybe even stops the process.
That’s what I teach in advanced courses, like the itch or the instant coherence. In simple terms, given that you have done Landmark you may understand, you need to invent a horizon, a meaning, an organizing principle for you life, and power it with the energy of the Itch… In Landmark they call it possibility for yourself and your life, but most people never learn how to invent one that sticks and works like an Organizing Principle… alas.
This article couldn’t have been written at a better time. I’ve been contemplating my friendships these last couple of years a lot. My feelings of being used have gotten stronger and stronger. I have become more aware and noticed a shift in my friendships. When I reduced my giving ( time, buying dinners/drinks, socializing, shoulder to cry on, party starter) they stopped coming around as much. The current friends that I am ‘close’ with have been doing their own thing and not really including me. It has been hurtful and painful.
I see that I am nothing but a commodity for other people and they truly don’t care about me. They say they care but I know that’s not the whole truth. No one is with me for me. I am just there as a stand in until someone or something better comes along. This has been especially true with the friendships with women in my life.
ok… and that is your ITCH… the energy source you want to use… but not to debate, but to accomplish big things.
I would argue that you don’t give all of yourself… but that is not the point.
If you are bad, then giving is the price you pay to be accepted.
If you are not worthy, then giving is the giving of things/services worthy of another’s attention…
Pick one of these… or come up with a third.
good work Peacock… and what was the pebble, or itch, or the thing you held about yourself all these years? Can you, please, share it with us?